It's been awhile

Jul 20, 2008

Well, it has been awhile since I've had the pleasure of expressing myself. I wish I could come up with a great excuse as to why I gave up writing as soon as second semester began. To be honest, I think I just got way to busy and consumed with my social life. There were so many times I thought about typing something up but then never got around to it. But now, I'm thinking there are a few things that I need to get off my chest.

First, I have found some direction. As previously mentioned, I was feeling rather confused and helpless regarding just about everything in my life. Now, six months later, I'm not completely confident but I'm coming to terms with myself, or at least making an effort. But that is not why I'm writing this blog. Today my agenda is set. My mind has been swimming with this question for so long that I have to put it down in writing, partly to get my mind to calm down.

Can you forgive someone you love for something atrocious? Something that makes you hate yourself? I know what everyone is going to say. Yes, you can. If you love that person then whatever they did is forgivable. Trust me, I feel like the world's biggest selfish twit because I am still stuck on this, a month after this issue came up. And no, I'm not talking about cheating. I don't want to reveal the actual circumstances online because if I got negative feedback from someone questioning this person's actions I would probably fall apart. This is so close to my heart and my insecurities, and my all-around perspective that I can't let myself be so vulnerable as to put this out there. I know some people may not even understand why I am publishing such a painful, personal blog, but I need to get my thoughts out of my head even if I can't be fully honest as to what this person did (or how it has affected me). Also, I have no one to talk through this painful thing with. There's no one I can admit this to, so, vague and frustrating online blogging will have to do.

Since I can't reveal what exactly has occurred or what makes me have to emotionally and psychologically forgive this person, I'm simply going to express how I feel. The action was not done to me, instead it was something that when I learned of it, made me feel worthless, and inferior. This was a strange reaction indeed because the circumstance had nothing to do with me directly. I feel like I hate myself for this secret that isn't even mine. And because I love this person I'm trying to work through this, feeling selfish that I even need to work through it. So, as you can imagine I'm doing this privately and having little success. I feel consumed with it. I can't go to this person I love about it, because I feel vulnerable and unable to express myself. Furthermore, there is no resolution. Nothing can be said or done to fix it. This is where I'm at. I can't confront this painful thing but yet I let it make me feel so horrible. It makes me question my life and my goals. How can I forgive this person for doing this to me? Yes, I love him and it's something that in time I will have to work through, but I feel like I resent this person for these circumstances as selfish as that sounds. I wish there was some way working through psychological states was less trying. I suppose this is a good learning experience and even though I'm in pain because of this, life has a way of surprising us all. Sorry this blog is so ridiculously vague and unintelligible. I just needed some online therapy!