Love is the act of giving yourself to someone completely.

Feb 28, 2008

Recently, someone extremely intelligent told me that love is not an emotion. It is not a feeling or the way you look at someone. But rather, love is an action. It's the act of giving yourself to someone completely.

After I heard that statement, a lot of things seemed to make sense for me. I've come to the conclusion that I am afraid of love.

For a bit, before I had been hurt by anyone before, I had been completely willing to fall in love. I think I assumed that if I fell in love with them, they would fall in love with me. And then I was hurt several times, and made the decision that I would not let anyone treat me the way they had in the past. I think with that decision came the fear of love.

I love my family, and that I'm not afraid of because I know they love me. Despite how cold my brothers act, and despite the many arguments my mother and I get into, I know they love me and I love them. And that I'm not afraid of. To an extent anyway.

I'm afraid of meeting people in my life and loving them, but getting screwed over because they don't feel the same way. Not just boyfriends or lovers, but friends. I've loved people in the past and sacrificed much for them as a friend only to recieve nothing in return. Literally nothing, because many of them aren't my friends anymore. I don't want presents. I just want affection.

And the kind of love I fear the most is the love when you're IN love with someone. Especially unrequited love. I don't believe there's a worse feeling than loving someone and knowing that they don't love you back. And then the person you love decides what they want to do with your act: They kindly turn you down without trying to hurt you too badly, or they use it and abuse your affections for them. They take advantage of your love, and when you realize you never meant anything to them, you're torn into pieces. Your heart is ripped out of your chest and kicked around like a soccer ball, cut apart like arts and crafts, splattered upon a wall like a wad of paint. I've seen love destroy people, and that is what I fear. I fear the pain that comes along with the ticklish butterflies. I fear the tears that are paired with the smiles. I fear the burst when your heart is so full of love, and all the person has to do is prick it, and it explodes.

I dream of love, but I fear it. I fear the heartache. I've dreamt of love since I was young, and to realize your dream has turned into a nightmare is frightening. It makes you contemplate life a little bit more than you probably should. There really is a fine line between love and hate, or in this case, love and fear. I was in love with the idea of love, and now I fear it. Is that a foreshadowing of what is to come? I'm in love with music, but will there be some point where I fear it? Where I will despise it and cast it away from my life all together?

It's completely surreal, sometimes, how love can control us.