God and me.

Jul 16, 2008

I have done everything for all of you that I possibly can.

I have supported you when no one else has. I have stood up for you in times of need. I have given you everything I possibly can give.

And what do I get?

I get myself, standing on a stage, microphone in hand, singing my heart out. Except there's one thing wrong - none of you are there to see me. I told all of you about it, but somehow nobody showed up, except one.

I have a confession to make.

Without God, I would be nothing.

I am not a Christian, and I am not an atheist. I believe there is some sort of higher power, I just don't know what it is. Through years of mindless brainwashing, I call it God. Although I really don't like the idea of being controlled, I've come to realize that I need God to survive.

All of you Atheists probably look at me and scoff. Why do I need God? What has he/she ever done for me? Well, I'll tell you.

God has done everything for me that everyone else has not.

God has been there when I needed it most. When my parents divorced, and I had no one to talk to, who did I turn to? When I realized I was gay, who did I consult for years as to what to do with myself? When my parents started ignoring me, who could I always talk to? When my friends don't seem to care, who always has? It's been God.

God has always been there for me. It's strange how the one being that I unconditionally dislike can be the one that seems to be my best friend.

I know you're probably wondering, why would I dislike God? Well.

Well before I was in fifth grade, I knew I liked guys. I just knew it. Girls were never really appealing. At all. But, when I finally realized that I was gay, I turned to God. I prayed every day for about two years for God to make me straight. I prayed with all my heart - and received nothing in return. At that point, I dropped everything biblical about God. In a sense, I became an atheist.

Since God hadn't granted me my one wish, I ignored him. I decided it would be easier just to live without him. I mean, if being Gay was a sin, and he wouldn't change my sexuality, then why believe in him? Well, I soon came to realize I couldn't make it without him.

I would often speak to him, and don't think that that sounds crazy - you do too. With thoughts such as 'God, let the Red Sox win!' or 'God, please don't let me miss the bus,' we speak to God almost without thinking. Through this, I decided if I was going to speak to him, I might as well believe in him.

But then a thought recently struck me. Is there really a difference between God, and hope? Suppose I'm praying for something. Is that speaking to God, or just hoping something will happen. But then, in a different sense you could say that hoping something will happen is the same thing as praying - asking for something and mildly expecting it to happen. I think about all of this often.

And although I've learned to enjoy all of this, I still wonder why I'm so dependent on God. It's like I can't shake him, even when I try really hard. Maybe it's just human nature. We're born, we're dependent on our mothers. After we become independent from them, who do we have to fall back on? Maybe that's why we believe in God. Let me know your thoughts, Quarterlife.