Oh... What to do

Apr 05, 2008

So here is my predicament: I, like so many other college students, am having a bit of trouble with focus and motivation. When it comes to things I enjoy learning about I am all ears but classes like Calculus and Composition II just aren’t swinging my way because of my lack of interest. Naturally, that is something I am going to have to “grit my teeth” and push through. However, that has initiated habits that I am having trouble throwing out- Staying up late, skipping class to play basketball/climb, watching movies way too much, etc. There are a couple reasons I believe these past two semesters have really stuck me hard. (This is not to pass the buck on to another as much as recognizing what might need to change and what won’t change.) My roommate this school year has been my best friend since Kindergarten and still is. Unfortunately, our optimism towards the success of our rooming together has gradually faded… at least as far as I’m concerned. There is just too much temptation to watch a movie or play a video game or play guitar and basketball etc… and when he is trying to talk me into it I typically succumb. So THAT needs to change. I don’t know, college has just kind of morphed into a “just wanna have fun” environment for me and I can’t seem to shake that. With that said, I’m not out partying, drinking, experiencing drugs, “messing around,” etc. It’s stupid really, how innocent it is. I mean, we are both respectable guys and have our morals set but we’re both stuck in this rut from pointless habits.

To summarize this problem… I can recognize and label my struggles but I can’t seem to change them. Sometimes I really feel like I’m trying hard to break them: Talking with Kris (roommate), even staying at others rooms overnight sometimes to allow him the freedom to do his work without distraction and giving myself that same opportunity, and trying to set schedules. Unfortunately, none of these have really helped. And my parents make this so difficult. I love them so much and respect every piece of advice they give me and that’s why this semester has hurt so much. Every time they mention school the first thing I do is shut myself out because the more they say the angrier I get with myself which in turn gets redirected towards them. Still have a great relationship with them but I’m dreading the fast approaching day I have to tell them that I had to drop Comp II and I am probably going to fail Calculus because I don’t understand any of it.
I was blessed with the opportunity to just get away this last spring break for a week. My climbing partner and I drove to Red Rock Canyon in Nevada and had a full week of climbing! It was probably the most fun I have had these past few years. Not just because I was climbing but because I was away from my failures, free to experience something new and beautiful. Jason (climbing partner) is also a strong Christian and goes to the same church as me in Stillwater. He has had a strong influence on me in many ways. He is one of the most patient and safe person I have ever met. I have learned everything climbing related from him and I can easily talk to him about God because he agrees with just about everything I believe. It just reminds me that I need to surround myself with those kind of friends.

This now leads to my potential methods of dealing with this problem. I would like to say that I can just suck it up and go but I have tried that since last semester and my technique must be off because it didn’t work at all. This summer I am working at Kanakuk and I am excited about that. My hope is that it will recharge me and that God will work in me in a way that will benefit my studies to follow (plus much more.) I am not working here to “get away” either though. I love kids and enjoy being an instructor of sorts in any manner of teaching so I am greatly looking forward to making a potential difference in one or more kids’ lives. Another solution I have been throwing around in my head was the possibility of taking a semester/year off to work. I am considering working with a camp called United Christian Youth Camp in Arizona. Now, I don’t want to feel like I’m “running away” from my problems but I also don’t want to get into a nasty cycle of no motivation and a lack of focus. That’s why right now I am unsure of what I really want/need to do. Naturally, there are many things going well in my life so I wouldn’t consider this a time of “depression” or a low point. With that said I must now return to the books in which I am having such a hard time sticking to and battle out the rest of this semester. God bless and I pray your year is far better than mine.

-Romans 5:3-4-