Karma

Jan 24, 2008

6:04 am

I have been up all night with major insomnia and millions of thoughts running through my head. I just went through 3 years worth of emails. It was really crazy to see how things had changed and how memories I had deconstructed and remolded into what I thought had actually happened, really were something completely different all together. I sit and wonder all the time now about why karma is working so hard against me nowadays when it comes to relationships. What had I done to deserve the harsh treatment by significant others? Well looking back today, and actually seeing things in writing. Something that can't be changed by time, but was staring at me straight on. All the things that I have been going through lately with guys ( being fickle, ignored, cast-off, ditched, traded-up, lied to, and basically treated like shit) I had done ten fold to others in the past. These were guys that were sweet and genuine and really cared about me and I just threw them away. Why? What on earth was I thinking? Is this why I am going through what I am now? I mean there had to have been reasons why I was that way. Maybe I am immortalizing these people too much in my mind? Who knows....but what I do know right now is that just gave me a slap in the face and a big dose of reality. I keep complaining that there are no nice guys and that I keep getting screwed over but going through the emails, i notice that yes there were/are great and wonderful people out there who would have swam across an ocean for me, and I dropped them for the people who wouldnt walk 2 feet for me.

Now that I know this...how do I change it? How do I make karma in my good graces again to the point where it will send me the kind of people that I had cast off before? How do I stop letting the assholes take control of me?

Was I scared before? I say with such passion that I want a commitment and I want to be in love. I engulf myself in romantic comedies and turn into a little girl wonder why prince charming can't come and save me from the evildoers of the world. But when the slightest moment of actual kindness and honesty comes towards me and someone genuinely cares about me I get scared and I act exactly the way that I cry at night about getting treated. I know that relationships can't be perfect, but why strive for anything less? Has the world really scorned me so much that I am settling for the jerk and letting the prince just pass me by? Am I just addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone unattainable and the chase. Why run from something that comes easy?

In a previous post I state about how optimistic of a person I am which is extremely true, even in relationships but everyone always says the phrase "too good to be true" That is usually how the beginning of my relationships have been lately. Perfect. but then something happens and it gets fucked up. The thing is though the times when I do get pessimistic and think that something is to good to be true, is usually with the guy that is actually wonderful and sweet. Why is it that I always lay my heart on the line for the asshole?

I dont think I will be going to sleep anytime soon, I am so flooded with emotions and thinking about the past. I want to mend all of those burned bridges before I move. Is that possible though? So many questions. Always so many questions.

Sorry if any of this was random... i just had to get it out..It is so confusing and crazy to think how different my life would be if I had gone down the road of any of those relationships before burning the bridge completely.