The Lover and The Liar

Mar 12, 2008

This has been one of those annoying weeks where I spend a majority of it sitting around thinking. I'm currently seven weeks away from graduation, and far more confused than I should be. I remember starting at Chatham and thinking I would never make it two years. And, there were times when it got very close to not happening. I thought about all the reasons why I shouldn't make it to graduation. And, now I can definitely say I'm glad I'm finishing. Currently, I have been embarking on new things. I have been interning at a homeless shelter and while it is not the greatest job, but I get a great sense of pleasure when I help people find a job and housing and get back on their feet. My boss talked to me last week about possibly working part time for for the next year if I decide to take some time off before grad school. But, I'm not entirely sure I want to do that either. I'm scared that I will stop going to school, and will not go back. I mean there are numerous college grads who go on to successfully make it out of undergrad and have no need of going further. But, my major isn't one of those things where there is a golden career path. It's mostly non-profit and make zero money, but you feel amazing when you do something great.

I'm also working on moving past Jess. We haven't verbally spoken since December, and it's been a weird bumpy ride of not talking to my best friend. There was a moment where she was my greatest confidant and I couldn't imagine not talking to her on a daily basis. But, now we rarely speak unless it is through a random text about nothing or a text where we want to say more but don't. Last year, she was all I wanted. She understood me and I thought I understood her. It turns out we were trying to force something between us that really wasn't there. And, like I suspected we now resent each other and don't know how to address the elephant in the room if you will. I hate that she and I didn't work out in the romantic sense, but I hate even more that when something great happens I can't pick up my phone and call her. She was more than my friend. She challanged me and made me answer to my actions and deal with not viewing myself in such a shitty fashion. I wish I could tell her all of these things, but I'm afraid it's too late for that. So, now all I can do is listen to this song "The Lover and the Liar" by Chiodos.

We're on a search to find the feeling
For which we all die
It appeared, the answer to the problem
And a reason to smile

Two lost hearts and one caught in the middle
They came together and the other fell apart
It appeared, the answer to the problem
I have no reason to smile