Thoughts

Mar 30, 2008

Today has made me sink further into this place in my head, my safe zone I guess.

I went to Jeff's farewell today, It's the first time I voluntarily went to church in...... about 20 months? I was completely filled with the spirit... Jeff's talk was simple, yet it literally shook my soul. I've never stopped believing in what I believe, but sometimes I feel like I don't belong, I feel that everyone else is so perfect and I'm just a disgrace to my Heavenly Father. But I really felt a burning in my heart when I listened to Jeff, how simply he talked but how elegant it felt to my inner self. The entire mission of our church is to bring people to Christ. It's THAT simple. Come as you are... and I want to come. I'm broken down, tired, slipping away, and I need Christ to hold me... what safer place is there than in the arms of the Savior? The living Christ. I can't heal my soul on my own, the repair job is simply too much. I forgot how good it feels to feel the spirit and have him testify of the truth. Truth and light.... it's all I've wanted, but it's been right in front of me.

My Dad took it really hard when his Father passed away, since he and my Mor-Mor weren't sealed in the temple their three boys aren't sealed to them. It was hard for my Dad.... I didn't realize how much I hunger for that commitment, of a Temple Marriage. Not just "'til death do us part" but "time and all eternity". How could anything be more blissful than to be able to spend time and all eternity with your soul mate, your best friend, your other half, it seems like anything less than time and all eternity is a mockery of such a strong connection between to souls.
Families can be together forever.... forever with the ones you love - such a paradise.

I know I am a daughter of God, and most of the time I don't feel worthy of the title, but it's there whether I accept it or not. Just like the atonement, Christ suffered for the sins and pains of the world - he suffered for everyone, whether we take advantage of it or not. I know I have amazing potential thanks to my patriarchal blessing... I guess that's what frightens me - not being able to live up to it, but this strong stirring evokes such a conviction in my soul, that I cannot live another day ignoring it. That's what I love about the Gospel, everything I learn sounds so familiar, and it fits so well, I know I belong