Call Me Lex

Apr 01, 2008

I’ve deduced that one of the reasons I am so deeply infatuated with the iconic ‘superman’ is simply because the idea of a perfect person risking his all to save others, namely, me, is a thought so comforting because more often than not, I feel like there really isn’t anyone to ‘save’ me. Unfortunately, being blessed with a life comparable to utopia, I have no right/reason to complain in any way whatsoever about having no support in my life. It’s not support or affection or even love that I long for. It’s that all-thrilling elation of the thought that someone else cares. I personally would take caring over love. Well, actually, I don’t know, because I’ve never been in love, though I very dearly love my family, friends, blah blah, there are only a select few people I could truly admit to ‘caring’ about. By caring, I don’t just mean ask them if they’re alright when they’re sad or fetch things for them when they’re sick. No, I mean caring as in each night before I go to sleep, I think about these people and pray to God (depending on my mood, I tend to fluctuate between religious and agnostic) that they’re safe and sound and that I’ll see them soon and that they’ll be wholly happy for always and eternity. As you can imagine, with these requirements, there can’t be that many people I ‘care’ about. And, as depressing as it may be, there aren’t.

I can honestly say I like most everyone, and I can also honestly say that I love the vast majority of the people I’m very close to, though those two numbers are astronomically different in size. Even if people bother me or hurt me sometimes, I still feel this strange need to connect with them, and the closest emotion to grasp is ‘like’ or ‘tolerate’, but, yeah, it’s difficult to explain, but you get the gist of it. I can’t think of anyone I truly hate at the moment, but that’s probably because I’m listening to Al Green’s ‘Love and Happiness’ and the sun is shining with unusual jollity. But on the downside, I also can’t name too many people I ‘care’ about. Sadly, I could probably count all the people I care about on just my hands. And maybe one or two toes. These are people who keep me awake with worry, or they prod at the back of my mind when I know they might be sick, or they just bring me in such a great mood I can’t concentrate on anything but them.

You would think that love would be the superlative of affection. You probably do think that. And I do, too, sometimes. Pardon me while I sound disgustingly egotistical, but I know there are people who love me ‘out there’. I just wished that there was someone to really care about me without any obligations of being a parent or a relative or whatever, but just to know me and sincerely want the best for me.

Anyone who has dabbled in the Christian religion is probably screaming at his monitor “I know! I know! It’s Jesus! Pick Jesus!” And I want to agree. I really want to be able to put all my trust into one being to take care of me forever and ever. But that’s just it. I’m giving up everything, and I’m not even close to being sure about it. There are so many doubts in the Christian faith that you all know and I’m not even going to go into because I’ve already struggled with them in my mind and I don’t particularly want to do it right this second. In words of one syllable, I just don’t know for sure. I’m not really the type of person to give up everything without being sure. Sure, I’m very trusting. Sometimes downright naïve about how trusting I am. I have faith in everyone up to a certain point. Yeah, Jesus sort of crosses this certain point. I just don’t know. I feel ridiculous even debating this now.

Some days I find myself believing in a God of some sort, usually when I see creations such as the sun, the stars, or my computer, my ipod (my first and second toes accounts for that cared-one C: ) I wonder, “How the hell could man create this? It’s so fantastic, it had to be made my a perfect being higher than all humanity and existence!” Then I feel contented knowing that all the responsibility of mankind lies on the very large shoulders of someone other than me. Woot. Then I consider, “Perhaps I should do something to show my appreciation to this omniscient being. Maybe I should pray to him and worship his glory blah blah blah.” But then I think a bit more. There’s someone greater than us all, more powerful, who controls my entire life. He’s the reason why I feel sad or empty or pained or lonely or any of the countless emotions listed in Webster’s Third. He can take away every mili-ounce of happiness that might connect me to this world and to life. He knows my fate before I do. He’s ‘better than me’ (horrible egotistical, rude as well, but no other way to state it). Comforting? Not so much. Then I start to resent God just a little bit. Then I just doubt it all over again, deciding resolutely that if there is a God, he probably didn’t give me my life and all my talents etc. so that I can chafe my knees on a cold stone floor in a stern church begging forgiveness for the smallest sins and praising him for every grain of wheat that made up my toast this morning. I think that God would want me to use what little of abilities I have to do good for His people.

That’s why I’ve decided that I’m neither going to devote my entire life to God nor keep him locked in the closet in the back of my mind. I’m going to go through my life, respecting God as best I can, but without dreading the consequences of what may come with my life. Yes, you Christians are still screaming “No! Jesus saved you from those sins! You’re saved! Yay!” Unfortunately, I still need to wade through a very deep and muddy pool of skepticism before I begin to consider Christianity again. As wonderful as Jesus may have been, and probably was, as a man, that is, I’m not sure if he’s worthy of the same praise as God. He was probably as close to perfect as anyone will get, but can anyone find a place in the Bible where Jesus says ‘I am the son of God?’ If you can, please show me immediately. Not that I find the Bible to be the most accurate source, because there’s really no such thing as an entirely accurate source.


All in all, I don’t feel obligated to give up my life for to man I didn’t know/ won’t know enough personally to ‘care about’. At least, not anytime soon. And not alone. Because as comforting as a real-life superman is, I don’t think I’m ready to be all of Metropolis and accept reality for what it might be. Right now, I feel a bit too Lex-y.