i wish someone would have told me.

Jul 24, 2008

i didn't even really know why i wanted to start this thing, because i have a couple other personal sites. i guess because sometimes it's just nice to have something to vent to. i have about a million things run through my head everyday and sometimes it gets frustrating when you have no one to explain them too. i was never very good at keeping a physical journal, i think it's because i type faster than i write. so here's what's tumbling around in my head at the moment. i'm 23. and i'm scared. i feel very lost. it seems to be a common state of mind at this age, and the irony of it is that although everyone says that everyone in their 20's feels this way, you still feel utterly alone. i liked the idea that this place was directed towards people in their twenties who are artistic and enjoy being creatively stimulated and are attempting to adjust to this period in our lives. but then i started looking through here and profile after profile was all kids who are like 15 and 16. i don't mean to think bad of anyone, but i can't really stand teenagers. i'm sorry, but everything is so dramatic to them. every minescule thing is going to drastically change the course of time! and i know i was no different when i was their age. i was dramatic, just like every other kid. the hard part was that i just remember being in so much pain as a kid, i was truly unhappy from the time i was about 10 years old and it kept getting worse and worse. i remember my mom telling me "it'll be better when you get to middle school.", then middle school came and it was "it'll be better in high school." and i guess it was true, by the time i was about 17 it was better. but only because i wasn't suicidal anymore, and no longer took medication. what i wish i had known, is that it doesn't get better. it doesn't get any easier. life gets harder. choices get bigger. because you get a realistic perspective of the value of your decisions. life seems to be a crescendo of difficult events; they get harder so that you build up strength for the next one, so that it doesn't knock you down completely. but don't be fooled, you still get knocked down. and it's not always so easy to get back up. i'm 23, and i'm scared. i didn't start college right away because i didn't know what i was going to do. so i started about two years after most people my age did. and i took my sweet as time moving along. which isn't bad, it's because of that that i figured out what field i wanted to study. but now here i am- one semester of community college left to get my associates degree, and i have no idea where to go from here. i don't want to go anywhere where i have to be in a college town- i'm over that scene. i don't want to go anywhere nearby. i want to get the hell out of here. i'm still in the city where i grew up and it feels as though everyone around me is moving on with their lives and i'm at a standstill. my future isn't here. but i don't know where it is. i would love to pick up and go somewhere where no one knows me. not only would that put me in debt deeper than i could imagine, but it's also a terrifying thought. but it's to the point where that doesn't seem nearly as terrifying as staying here for the rest of my life. so like i said. i'm lost. let's throw non-existant finances, lack of a social life, a love life that resembles the black plague, and a general attitude of insignificance on top of that, and you might know where i'm at. and the funny thing, is that's not even what's on my mind today. that was just where i'm at in life. i'll have to tell you the saga of broken hearts, cancer, and other various daily tragedies later. so yeah, that's about it for now kids. it gets worse. now someone told you.