when i wake up

January 20, 2008

I wake up everyday wishing that I was someone else, someone was strong, someone who was talented, someone who has dedication and light in their life. I however and whoever I am made to be, it changes because I am whoever a guy molds me to be that week, thats why I never settle down because I am never actually me. I don't even know who me is anymore, if I ever did. I am afraid that once I choose a guy I am exactly who he wants to be losing what little bit of me there was left. I really wish I could be strong and take time enough to find myself and be strong enough to find someone who could actually love the real me. The real me what a concept, I have been fake as fake since I can remember and I absolutely hate it. I hate girls who don't care, and beautiful girls, and girls with attitude not because I wish I was them but because I am jealous that they know who they are, and can find who they are. I however bounce from guy to guy changing my everything on the basis of who I am with so that I can untimely throw it away. I really wish I could go months without pursuing a guy and find me, but my entire life has been controlled by guys that I don't know how to be without one, even though at the end they always ruin me sending me into another world wind where I just seek out another guy to get over them. I want to wake up and be strong. I want to find who I really am. I want to know who I am.