Am I ever going to feel normal again?

Mar 06, 2008

Ever since November 29th 2006 my life has not been the same. You see, to make a horrible, long story short...my cousin who I grew up with, my best friend, truly my brother, killed himself. Or at least that is what we are told. I sometimes question the procedures of the "authorities" I mean really, what 911 operator would tell the random guy in the house to go take the gun out of hands? No questions asked..a suicide.Under so many suspicious circumstances, that i wont even get into just yet. he has piercings and tattoos, just some loser, druggie. fuck it. But what they didn't know was he was someone, someone who could have done great things. great things for this world. Now, the sun just doesn't quite set the same. The smell of the rain just smells like worms..does that make sense? And really how do I know what a worm smells like?
I can't imagine living the rest of my life without him. He will never have a wife, kids or anything he had ever dreamed of. He is gone and now I sit here, tears hitting the keyboard, sick in my stomach and 2 years later still as sad as the day it happened. Am I crazy? Is this normal? Because people think I should be over it. I just can't. I go to the cemetery once a week, which no one knows. It is not like I sit there and cry, I just make sure everything is okay. I mean isn't that really the least I can do for him? I live close to it and it's not a burden so what's the big deal? Why can't I take as long as I need? He was my other half for 23 years. I am seriously not walking around bawling in public or even acting different, I keep it mostly to myself so no one can have an opinion. because frankly, I do not want it. I just want to know..will I ever feel normal again? Can I ever feel whole? Will the pain go away? The missing him? How do I let it go when there are so many unanswered questions? there is always that pesky "did one of these 3 people kill him?" because their stories seem to change and differ. OR DO I JUST NOT WANT TO FACE THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY CHOSE THIS? left all of us behind because he is selfish and it was a quick fix to a problem that could have been helped. And where was I when he needed the help? Blame me, I knew him best and still didn't see it coming.