Waking Up 03-08-2008

Mar 20, 2008

Why does it feel like I’m being tested every single day? Can somebody please tell me! I have too much patience and I’m too calm or silent at times to even scream or yell at the people whom I believe is doing this on purpose. I never had anything to say any more ever since I wrote my poem, Speechless. That poem took everything out of me it seems. It is 10:52 pm right now…I don’t even know what time I went to sleep. But I know that the heat woke me up with the entrance that my roommate gave. I did my Spring Cleaning today, I really felt accomplished for doing something like that. I suppose my roommate “cleaned” the bathroom twice this whole year. But it was never thorough. I mopped the floor, clean the sink and toilet, and washed the shower. Now that was thorough. My roommate left this morning to my other friends’ room in another building and I suppose she came over here because I told one of them that I was cleaning up. (Maybe I’m over assuming like I usually do but assumptions usually fit the description.)

-10:58pm
She asked me if she wanted to pray for me! Well, I really didn’t care because she’s probably doing it right now as I type in this message. I need new friends because the friends that I have now, the friends that I have in high school, are not cutting it. There’s this saying that went around in my old college, “The friends who make in college, are the ones that are going to be a part of your life forever.” I have thought of this so many times and I came to the conclusion that the friends that I now have, the ones from high school, may not just be the friends that I want to keep forever. C’mon! I went through so many transitions that I couldn’t adapt to so easily. Moving from one place to another and having this idea that I have to start a life all over again. I didn’t take advantage of that then because my emotions were in the way. I really do miss my friends from St. Peter’s, they were more like my sisters, and they were more mature. And even though things are getting kind of crazy over there, from what I here, I still want to be there for them, still hang out with them. The friends that I have now didn’t change but our relationship is different, we brought high school with us. When we think we’ve “grown up” we can still that little high school of us in the pass because all we do is dwell in the freakin’ past! Like how we first met and how all of us got together. I don’t care about that anymore, I already know about that…I know the stories, I got pictures. I just don’t care. A person would ask “why?” and “These are memories that you should cherish.” And I would simply reply, “Because a part of don’t them in my life anymore.” I sometimes think that going to school in Maryland is a way out because they won’t think about me as much anymore and I would “try” to keep in contact, but I would be another Vernal to them, that’s all.

-11:14pm
She woke up a little asking whether I was going to stay up all night. I said, “Yes, I can’t sleep.” That’s when she gave me the choice if I wanted her to pray for me. I should’ve said, “if you think it would help.” Or “by all means, do it if you want to.” But I didn’t say any of them. I just simply said, “No.” I’m glad that I’m starting to go out to counseling. I only went for one day but it seems like the counselor that I have is very nice and understanding (like they are suppose to be). But stepping back into the subject…I said no and I’m writing this because I want to yell and scream and do a lot of other things because she moved my pants! She moved my pants. I’m in my bed annoyed from the heater and I noticed my jeans not hanging from the bunk bed. So I’m like, she had the nerve to take down my jeans. I that my jeans would still be a little damp, so I just took myself out of bed and placed three pairs of my jeans on my bed and took two and put them back on the bed. She has no sense whatsoever! Oh what? I can’t put my jeans on the bunk bed when she leaves her stuff practically anywhere! She has taken up 4 cubbies, I have only one. She has two desks, and of course, I have one. She has taken over two of the closets, one of which I used to use to dry my clothes. And yet again of course, I have only one. Never did I complain nor pointed anything out except for her underwear always being left in the bathroom, so nasty. And she and Ashley and Shamia, well I’m going to leave Shamia out of this because I never speak to her like that. But both Alex and Ashley have the nerve to judge me religious wise, when their side of the room is usually a pig sty. My stuff are always somewhere for a reason, everything is placed together in an order which I understand. See here’s the messed up part, never did I once complain to them about going to church or practicing their faith. But why do they feel the need to complain and pick on me about my faith. Same faith of course, I just don’t go to church.
Me and Alex had this discussion a while back about our friendship and religion. I realized that it’s not religion that is slowly tearing us apart but they are just letting it happen. They chose to follow a path where I assume that they must be around radicals the majority of the time. Me, being Christian and not doing what they are doing and Diana being an Agnostic; they are slowly going to take us out of their lives. I am not stupid. I already know what’s going on. This is reality with an idea what reality really is when we are actually living the lives of what we have seen since we were children in televisions. Not only that but it’s the human’s psychology any way. When you have something on your mind, it will be portrayed in the future. So don’t tell me that I don’t know or that I don’t know what I’m talking about because my mind lives in the future the majority of my time. I am not crazy or stupid or blind. I know what’s going to happen. And if we do stay together, which I can not see, then I would not be happy, besides hanging out with Diana. But after college, I made the decision that I’m going to stay in Maryland or live in NYC. But more than likely I’ll stay in Maryland to be close to my mom. Ah man, I miss her so much. I can’t wait for her to come on Friday. I just want to hug her forever when I see her. We have made a relationship that has been more than a mother and daughter relationship; she has been my best friend, besides God and my grandmother. But she is the female that I would always appreciate, not for just giving life but always being there for me when I needed her. I love her…so much. -11:50pm

-11:19pm
He signed on.
-11:48pm
He signed off.

-11:50pm
I had to calm down for a moment. I shed a couple of tears if you must know. You might wonder why I’m keeping track of Yam58785 whether he signs in or not. Actually, I’m not really sure why. Well I used to like him but I don’t have the same feelings for him. A part of me wants to talk to him to see how he is doing. But I don’t want to nag on him or be a pain in his butt. He just quit his job about 3 weeks ago and I was trying to console him, sort of, on myspace. But I guess he is more like a good friend to hang out with and that’s it. For a 32 year old, he still got a lot to learn. I guess he’s the real Peter Pan after all…

-11:52pm
He signed back on.

-12:12am
I realized that I am meant for many purposes as long as I put my mind to it. I definitely have a lot of ideas that I believe will take the world by storm if I go through with them. And I plan to. I just need the help and gain the confidence that I once had. Like today, I never thought that I would still be writing but I guess my excuse would be, I didn’t want to go to sleep angry.

-12:15am
He signed off again.

-12:21am
I calm now. I surfed the web and I’ve been writing for about 2 hours now. I feel relieved for the time being. If only that strong wind from earlier came back. Actually, just glancing at the windows and looking at the trees, the wind is still there. I just can’t hear it too well because I had the window open and I’m assuming that Alex closed it. But I love it when the wind is like that. It’s like God or can I say nature is cleaning its surroundings, getting ready for a new day, a new season. It’s March 9th now, daylight savings time. Spring is almost near.

-12:22am
He signed back on.

-12:31am
Just thinking, so I need just 2 hours to myself to cool down? Interesting…at least I am aware of this now.

-12:34am
I think I’m going to read now…I have nothing to clear out of my head at the moment.
Good night. Or shall I say Good-Early-Morning.