a failure

May 06, 2008

graduation is 10 days away. everyone asks what I'm doing after and I have no clue. my mom wants to know a million and one things, where will I work, where will I live, am I going back at some point, what will I do about student loans, and the big one...why did I spend this much time and this much money if I don't want to get a job using the degrees now? I know she is just asking but really the questions make me feel like a failure.

I think about it everyday. I've spent so much time (9years) and so much money (tens of thousands of dollars in tuition) I've had to ask people to cosign student loans for me to finish. and all so I can not use my degrees when I graduate. I have them, they aren't going anywhere but I honestly don't know that I will ever use them other than to say hey look I have 2 bachelors degrees. asking me about it, pointing it out all it does is make me feel like I've wasted time and let everyone down. I don't want a job I hate, I'm not ready to pick a career, but I somehow feel like I've failed by graduating.

I make jokes about it, not cause I think its funny but cause I'm scared to death. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I try to just not think about it cause I just want to cry when I do.

most people never manage to get one degree I'm about to have 2 and honestly I envy the people with none because no one will ever point out to them how much time and money they have spent for nothing. that's really all I've accomplished 2 pieces of paper worth nothing. they have cost me a small fortune, one I don't know how to pay for, and ultimately I'm going to end up with a job where no one cares that I have them. what was the point of putting myself and everyone around me through the last 9 years of my life if when its all done I don't use what I paid for?

i don't want to spend the next 10 days beign so concerned with the furture that i miss the present. i'm never going to have this time again. there will never be a chance to lay in the grass (or on a blanket well protected from the grass) in the middle of the day or drink beers all afternoon on a tuesday again. everything i know is about to change. i want to soak in every last moment i can, yet everyone around me cares only about the future, or my complete lack thereof.

If what I have accomplished is so great, why do i feel like such a failure for accomplishing it?