I'm blogging to keep sane.

Feb 24, 2008 - 22:30 PM PST
Really, I should write on this more often. Instead of being a fronter and saying that I write all the time...I've barely posted here.
Who's ready to hear me whine?

Sometime I feel like a floor. Yes, thats right...a floor. By this I mean, walked all over. I'm sure everyone has felt like that at one point or another; I just feel like dwelling. I found the only person that will ever stay true to you, is yourself. Lately, I've decided the only person I trust anymore is myself and that sucks. I feel like I take people for granted, by thinking they will always be there for me when I'm down or just need comfort. Thats wrong. People won't always be there, because everyone is selfish in one way or another.

My problem is caring too much. When I befriend a person I tend to go out of my way to make sure that friendship stays secure. i.e I put them before myself. I would risk my life for my friends and do anything to show that I care. Not receiving that gift back is worst feeling. Hence why in most cases I feel like a the floor. Like this floor isn't even mopped or vacuumed...people don't seem to pick up once they've walked all over me. It's as if they keep on doing it over and over again.
Well I guess once you get used to someone giving and accepting the fact that they'll continue to give without receiving any help back...hell I'd walk with muddy feet all over that floor too. I can't bring myself to be selfish like that. I'm the type of girl if I were to go on a date and the guy pays... I FEEL GUILTY! I pull the "no really, just let me pay...are you sure" all the time.
Then the next date I make sure to pay just to even it up. I can't be selfish!! I can't say no!

Once I start to try to possess that trait of selfishness, I feel like the ultimate bitch. I can't be that. Lately it just seems like all I'm good for is doing favors. Cooking dinner for people, spotting money for people, helping with papers...whats in it for me? I'm hoping karma will come along in my life and be like "wow maddie since you are like this heres something for you".

Wow I'm being whiney...and venting a shitload. I think it helps and if you care to read and comment... well props to you.

Yours truly,
the floor...i mean Maddie <3

I'm blogging to keep sane.


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1 Comments

Feb 24, 2008 - 22:51 PM

writtenonthecor on
Hi Maddie,

Nice piece. I've had similar concerns - though maybe in reverse. I've thought this: I thought that if I helped someone then I would expect something in return, but then I thought that was selfish. Also, I thought wrongly, that one must barter assistance with his fellows in the marketplace of life. Correctly I have found that help is best freely given because the other person on some level is part of you and seeing them better is it's own reward. However, that shouldn't you in the mud.

This could sound awful wishywashy!

Anyway, I like the humorous twist at the end.

P.S. Blogs are great because a person can communicate anything he or she wants and get feedback without puting any stock in that feedback if they don't want.

Sanity is important. Blogging is cathartic. Blog on!