To Start Off.

Dec 04, 2007 - 04:07 AM PST
writing is something that i love, and yet i doubt i fully understand the capabilities it requires to be considered a writer, and yet that does not concern me. It is now 1 am as usual, i have no desire to sleep for my mind races with thoughts i cannot control and although I've been discouraged to write online i find that paper is not enough for i am able to express my thoughts, but not be heard, or at least by whom i would wish to be heard. i find it ironic we can't share our deepest thoughts, secrets, or feelings towards those that we love and trust and yet when talking to a complete stranger, it's almost a comfort, in knowing that perhaps you may never see them again or that they don't know you and therefore the unknown makes that boundary that they will only know what you tell them. Or at least that's what it seems to me, i find most people that I'm close to, generally have no idea who i am, infact i honestly believe that no one knows me, i have sheltered myself from expressing my self to real people, in my mind i know exactly what i think, my opinions are justified and i have no confusion, and yet once removed from the confines of my thoughts i cannot have the nerve to say what i want, feel, think, need. i had a friend, well, was once more, but they taught me how to understand myself a little more, it was not intended but in a way i am grateful. i had a journal, within the pages i wrote pages on everything i believed and thoughts i wouldn't ever tell a soul and yet was tempted many times to, because i only seem to say what i want through words and text on a blank page but it's never enough, words, or at least mine, never completely show my emotion or feeling and are commonly misinterpreted. and when i try to say these things i end up saying the exact opposite which is another reason no one really understands me and i doubt anyone ever will. i try so hard to fight for so many things, so many people, and i've come to realize i've tried my whole life to make everyone else's life better and take care of people that i've forgotten that i need to focus on my life, on myself, for once. i am surrounded by people that have no real interest in anyone but themselves. i'm making a change in my life, i did before, i realized how much i had ruined the most important things in my life. i was strong, on the outside, but it was like an armor and i was a robot stuck in an emotionless cave, not able to see myself or the people around me. when i was young people would always tell me that ' your mommy is sick' and although i knew what they meant, and i accepted the fact, it took me years before i knew what bipolar disorder was. my mom, my life as a young child, loved me with all her heart and yet her disease bid her otherwise. most of the time she was not herself and those other people she became would disregard everything important to them, including me. but i don't resent her for that and despite what i went through, i have no self pity, and i don't want any, it's my life one that i've accepted and yet i still feel that something is holding me back. i can't seem to forget, everything that happened, the fighting, the alcohol, the drugs, the sex, everything that parents should shelter from their children, i was constantly surrounded by, it was a part of my mom's life, and inevitably from the day i could remember, a part of mine. i had promised everyone, made it clear, as soon as i understood what they meant that i would never have any part in that lifestyle, i would be successful, i wouldn't be like her, i wouldn't hurt everyone that loved me, let drugs become a part of me, give away myself, my soul, my heart, to anyone. and i did, for awhile, i got the straight A's i never asked for anything, i simply spent my days in books, for the tales they told were much more pleasant than everything i went through. but after awhile that's all i was, it was nothing less expected of me. what's left to aim for if no one seems to care? i let it slip away, i became, without realization, everything i dreaded. But it seemed right, i wasn't destroying my life, just adding something different, a new excitement, it made everything seem perfect, or at least for the time being. i wanted more, but my thoughts kept me from it but that didn't last long. it soon surrounded me and the temptation didn't seem so bad anymore. i had lost everyone, everything, i had torn myself away from my friends, my family and was letting myself be controlled by this person that never deserved what i offered, i tried to be perfect, because anything less was not accepted and they let that be known. but naive as i was, i believed i loved them, and yet i was at the lowest i had ever been. my thoughts progressed and worsened i inflicted harm on myself and the interest to those sensations that i was provided from those things i knew were only temporary.
after awhile, without that feeling, nothing felt right, i wasn't myself, they had become me and i couldn't turn back. and as much as i craved the feeling i hated it more than anything, i dreaded it and yet desired it. i couldn't write, i had no thoughts no feelings, i had them, but at least i was unaware of them and inexistent they were i was able to 'live' again. after the time i spent hiding myself from the world, putting on this mask to keep everything away from the world i realized i was not helping myself and that person was not worth what i was going through. so i ended all connection with them and i met someone that seemed to amazing to be real, which seemed to last awhile and then proved to be not much better than anyone would have expected, and yet despite it all what they had done was not enough for me to have a negative feeling and as much as i tried could not be forgotten. the feeling, was mutal and they once again seemed to be everything i hoped and yet i have no trust in anyone much anymore. i've never met someone that never lied to me, or hurt me, even unintentionally, and i find much discomfort that the people i put all of my heart and trust in will lie to me and disregard me as nothing. love is a stange thing, and i don't quite understand it, i can love someone so much and they claim the same and yet i feel as if i am walking on thin glass and with the slightest wrong step, the smallest trip, everything will just shatter. love should be stronger than that, and i believe it is, but people have taken the word, the meaning, and turned it into nothing. i have never seen so many people misuse the word love. the things people do for the ones they 'love' are things that someone that 'loves' you would never see you put though. i know this, i've seen it, ive experienced it, i just want to understand why.
i've never wanted to change for anyone, and i haven't, i don't care much about what anyone thinks, but i don't understand when people that claim to love me want me to change, for i have no understanding in that for they cannot love me, for myself and the way that i choose to be if they wish me to change, and yet i cannot always resist the pressure. besides that i just want to understand people, the way they think, and why they strive so hard to be the best and always make themselves look better than others, for their own self achievement, that generally leaves them spiritually empty spending their lives, searching for something they had all along, happiness. except most people bury it away, because they value their problems, their sadness, guilt, envy, pity and everything above their happiness. i don't understand how something so precious cannot be seen much in the world anymore except as fake tv ads that give away products that promise you everything you desire, which essentially no matter what you call it money, love, people, family, friends, it all leads back to one thing that people strive for, happiness. I'm not going to try and look for happiness because i know i have it, and slowly i'm finding it within myself again something that means more than fake friendships and pretending to fall in love.as long as i can be okay with myself, everything will be second best. and yet i don't know if i can ever accomplish this, i need friends and people and materialistic items that make me have a temporary sense of it. night is a time that the silence surrounds me and i have no choice but i let my thought surround me in a suffocating blanket, with no one to talk to i must write, for it is the only way to let my mind sleep. for now this is all i must let escape to have a sense of accomplishment.

To Start Off.


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1 Comments

Dec 05, 2007 - 03:30 AM

amped on
That is very deep <:[ there is much truth in it, people are all about self-greed and not self-betterment. I feel the same way when I love someone, its like one wrong move and its over. Sometimes its over for no identifiable reason at all. Well its good to find someone who thinks the same way I do.