sometimes i cuddle pillows

April 25, 2008

when i\'m lonely. i wear stolen belts from EXs. i look at my shoes when i walk, because he used to wear my sneakers. i don\'t miss him often but i missed him last night. what i would have done to be next to someone last night. nothing is going as planned but when does it? i don\'t expect anything from people except a smile or a nod.

i understand why i missed him last night, i haven\'t missed him in four years! i was cleaning my room and found our photo album, what was salvaged from a flood anyways. His new girlfriend is nice, and she askes me about his past a lot. i don\'t know what to say sometimes because i was a drug addict back then and i only remember certain days, and horrible things. i\'m awful at trying to think of good things. i mean i have a lot of great memories, just not of him. i stayed faithful the first 3 years he went to prison, i was 16 when he was hauled away. i was trying to wait that last year out but i was just out of high school and i was ready for a relationship no matter how dumb it was.

He called me when he got out, and i was somewhat ashamed, he didn\'t care about me having a baby. He was nice to me, i just didn\'t know what to say. He found his new girlfriend a few months later, she met me in a club, on accident. i was worried she was going to be dragged down by him. he\'s back in jail, for a few more months. i\'m worried that when he gets out his girlfriend will trick me into seeing him. if i\'m not down to the last of my wits, i don\'t miss him. i have to be drunk, or tired to fully miss him to the point of wanting to write him a letter.

he used to write/ say \"i created a monster, it\'s name is amanda.\" that made me so mad.i drank before i met him and i was an asshole before him too. he\'s old er than me by a couple years.

nothing like a long ass blog about someone whom thinks they created a monster. if he was the reason i was a monster, don\'t you think i would have waited that last year?