effin angry...

May 31, 2008

it amazes me how quickly i can be reduced to using coping strategies about which i thought i could say i don't employ very much anymore...its funny to me that the very day that i decided to write just a little bit of why it is or better said how it was that i came to cope the way that i do (suppress, repress, withhold the expression of feelings and particular emotions until such time that its safe to by which i no longer have the desire nor pressing need to) that i found myself in the midst of a moment, heck, etire evening, where as if outside of myself watching myself withdraw and fume with anger and frustration, say "this is me effectively shutting down and withdrawing". angry, i was so very angry. they say that no one can make you feel a certain way - at times i agree with that statement and others i feel its merely a matter of semantics - so lets say no one can make you feel a certain way but they're actions, they're approach, they're attitude, THEY can certainly affect how you in ways that alter how you feel. how you react...another issue altogether, no one is in control of that but you. thursday night i was pissed the fuck off. in an environment where i am supposed to feel safe and able to expose myself, as i assumed would eventually happen, i found myself more angry than i can recall being in a very long time. though an anger that was brewing over time because of frustrations i've had from the beginning, this was not some random, your reaction was a little extreme kind of anger. if i may say so, i believe it was a completely justifiable anger and the one thing that upsets me most about it is that the nature of what brought on the anger in the first place caused me not to be able to address or handle my anger in a way that would prove healthy or beneficial to me or anyone else at the moment. so what happened anyway?

i've written before about this group i'm in. i have my issues with the dynamics of the group, my assumptions about what might ensue and even my analyses of events that transpire, this night, though the actions of one of the facilitators were no different than any other night, i was affected beyond measure. context: someone's decided to leave the group for reasons that can in no way be summed up into a simple statement. in prayer, we're warned not to be judgmental or self-righteous (that was interesting but overlookable). announcement made, no reaction from the group at large, more is said about the why's. the girl i wrote about that just wants to be heard chooses to make an attempt at speaking and it cut off mid-word and told not to speak. that was the initial frustration. i speak. i'm shut down with a lecture on respect. respect her as a facilitator, wisdom, God, respect, facilitator, God, respect...with every word i became more upset. we were being chided and forced to "respect" someone who has consistently shown us, me, the very opposite of respect. when i attempt to speak, i'm cut off. words and intentions are distorted. passive aggressiveness is perfected (as in made complete, full). i'm angry. i could not believe that i felt myself bottle up the anger that had risen, sat in my seat, stared in to space, fought the tears that wanted to fall, willed myself to remain seated as i wanted to leave just long enough to gather myself. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! i felt as though i'd been reduced to a weaker me that i've tried so hard to no longer be. so fine, i'm in my seat angry. my bonded friend and the unheard girl may in fact be the only people in the room that really UNDERSTOOD my feelings without me saying a word but i doubt my change in affect was imperceptible to everyone else in the space. eventually feeling composed enough to at least make it through the next couple of hours by way of interacting with everyone in the room except the woman in the corner who if sitting at the right angle i could not see, not even out of the corner of my eye, every time she spoke, the fire of my anger was fueled.

aahhh best friend...knit in the spirit we really are. she sent me a text that she was praying for me. i replied "much needed at the moment". she happened to be on her way. seeing my face, she was concerned because the fury in my eyes hadn't been seen in quite some time.

so what's girl to do? well, in the moment i resolved that the "facilitators" would confer and discuss me and my withdrawal and at some point a conversation will be had with me. i was actually prepared to be pulled to the side (also prepared to make it clear that i could communicate with one and not the other in the moment) but that pulling to the side didn't happen and for that i was relieved. i did get a call the next morning for breakfast next week. they don't know me. they don't know that in a week i will effectively no longer "care". i won't care enough to know where it is i've suppressed the feelings attached to the situation. i won't care enough to think about it in any intentional way, thus not having anything articulate to say about the situation or what i feel about it. i guess it should be noted that care in this sense does not mean that i'm honestly over it, it just means that like much other hurt, its gone. no longer able to prick and affect me very easily. funny - i'm crying at the moment... nonetheless, i do not want to care.

hurt, affected, all that other stuff...why? because i'm the girl that wants to be heard, i'm the girl that didn't know what i thought or had to say was valid and has of late fought to believe that though it seems that no one will listen, me, who i am, my thoughts, my feelings, my concerns are valid and GOOD and worth an awful lot. i do not like being demeaned, i do not appreciate feeling minimize, don't do it to me. fuck, participate in healthy communication with me is all i ask.