Confessions of a first timer

Mar 05, 2008

I am new at things like this, but feel like I have so much to say and feel noone would really want to listen to my rant and complaine and wondering. So I figure this is the next best thing right?! So I just had a Birthday, big ol' 22. I know it's not old but I am so tired of being told i am still so young and have plenty of time to figure it all out. I feel like everyone in my life has it so together, what they want how they are going to get it, i used to think I knew what I wanted, where I was going even who I was. I recently went though some really, really shitty things in my life that totally ultered who I thought I was. I had lost myself for so long and existed as a part of someone else for a really long time. I got my life back, i've taken control which felt so good, and having everyone tell me how proud they were of me and how strong i've been. But here I sit alone, feeling no stronger then I did months ago, feeling like I don't even know this person that I am sitting here with anymore. Being alone with yourself itsn't supposed to feel so scary, is it? I am supposed to be enjoying this time, right? Getting to know myself again, getting to love myself agian. So then why does it feel so, intense. I think i am scared to know who really lives in there, I think i am scared to get to know the girl that would let herself go though everything that just happened. I think part of me is mad at me. I think I still blame myself for the shitty, shitty things that happened. That's the first time i've ever said it outloud, even if it's just typing. I think the actress in me has been amazing at letting everyone think i am doing wonderful, that i am just fine, I think i even almost had myself convinced. I didn't think getting to know myself again was supposed to be the most terrifying thing i've done.