Help me if you can, I'm feelin' down

Jul 09, 2008

The waiting is the worst. While I wait for life to begin, I feel guilty if I enjoy any element of my so-called purgatory. Ok, it's not purgatory. And a new job would not create a new life, but I don't know what else I can possibly do. My friends all want me to go out. My mother is afraid that I'm getting depressed as I sit in my apartment and wait for the phone to ring. But I think I'm being responsible, here. No job, no fun. I mean, come on, why would I go out if I don't have any income? Sounds stupid to me.

Maybe I am getting depressed. My whole life it seems has been in a financial crisis, and now I'm facing another looming disaster. And all I can do is wait.

I've sent my resume to over fifteen positions, all of which I am qualified for. This is bullshit. I don't know what else I can do but wait. And it's not like I have other options, when I run out of money, that's it. My parents are broke. They've always been broke.

My sister might not be able to pay tuition this year, thanks to my graduating (and thanks in most part to the government's ridiculous financial aid system), so I wouldn't dare go to her.

Who else? My roommate? Yeah, there's an idea..."hey, can you just pay ALL the rent for a while, you know, until I get a job?"

She probably thinks I'm not even looking. I snack all day and watch tv. But ALL I CAN DO IS WAIT.

ARGH.

It wouldn't be so bad, if I just had some sort of plan. Any plan, whatsoever.

I miss yoga. That would be great right now, divulging myself into the philosophies and letting all the frustrations and negative energy pass through me. The anxiety could be gone, if only for a 45 minute session. Ah, yes, that would be nice.

But, of course, that shit costs money.