Change is healthy.
May 4, 2008 at 15:12 PST
I'm really frustrated right now. I have written a few pieces now about my mother and stepfather, and after reading them, one can definitely gain that their relationship is horrible and very depressing for bystanders like my sister and I to witness. Though I feel great pity and worry for my mother, I still have a bitter side to my emotions that allows me to be angry with her for choosing to marry him in the first place and locking herself into the marriage with the church's key....
I just heard her cry for the first time yesterday. I have seen my mother cry tons of times---while praising the Lord or when her best friend Mrs. Pat died---but she always seemed to keep it together then,...maybe because she was able to cry somewhere else. I called her right after she had to take Louie, their new 10 month old cat, back to the shelter. She didn't want to do it, but my stepfather basically forced her to by threatening to put a bullet through it's head if she didn't. (He didn't like Louie because he bit him once...I would have to...)The cat was vicious, but adorable and Ma loved it. It had to go for other reasons too...their older cat and hamsters were suffering from his terror, but it was mostly because of him. She cried and cried to me on the phone, telling me how my stepfather thought she was ridiculous for missing him and being his normal jackass self. She cried to me like she had no one else to cry to...
It scared me. It made me feel like I was an adult because my mother used to hide her emotions from me while I was growing up. I guess 22 means it's time to start opening up? I've been more honest with her about how I feel about her marriage just recently than I have ever been. Maybe our relationship is changing. Change scares me. I need change. Life doesn't always change into what I think it might, but it always ends up okay. Maybe I shouldn't be scared...but excited.
My life has changed quite a bit just in the past five years. I have the same goals, but I've had to tweak the process of achieving them a little bit, and am still working on some new ones. I think my relationship with Champ has changed me the most. He is the first man I've ever been with that has positively influenced my decisions. I think the biggest change is that I make my own decisions now...and seem to be making better ones all the time. I spent so long just trying to please everyone around me that I forgot how important I was. I feel like a little narcissism is healthy; the benefits of it were repressed from me so long under the selfless teachings of Christianity. I've learned from my mistakes and I've changed.I may not be the all-American Christian young lady that my mother wants me to be, but I think I am something way better...something unique. My mind is able to grow and actually be healthy now that I'm happy with my surroundings and my decisions in life. Sometimes everyday isn't like it's raining gum drops, but it's life. I'll take it.
I think the secret is to just settle for the shape your life takes.
Dolores Price
What is healthy? 
![flaws. [and compensation]](http://cdn.quarterlife.com/load.php?src=portifolio&id=107901&midiaid=846741&tipothumb=7&tipomidia=2 "flaws. [and compensation]")
flaws. [and... ![DTASC EVE [[and stressed as hell]]](http://cdn.quarterlife.com/load.php?src=portifolio&id=141191&midiaid=846981&tipothumb=7&tipomidia=4 "DTASC EVE [[and stressed as hell]]")
My little bitty... 
