ache

May 28, 2008 - 16:50 PM PST

I order a Dr.Pepper as back up, in case the coffee is terrible. I haven’t had coffee in 10 yrs. It’s always too hot and I have no patience. It’s always too bitter, and I never know how much sugar to add. I have no sense of whether I prefer black or with cream.
Waitresses complain about ageing. And a man dials the number of a person who never answers. I sneeze 5 times consecutively and no one says, “Bless you”. I prefer to think they are ignoring me, rather than, they did not hear me.
He held my face with his hand; he traced my body with his fingers. His tongue on my lips felt light. I tried to imagine that this would be my next great something.
I never went to sleep, but I felt as if I woke up around 7 a.m.
In my frustration to be seen, I yell and pout, I cry and I lie.
After 5 cups of coffee my stomach begins to ache. I do things in excess, I don’t know temperance.
At the first funeral I attended, I was angry that people were smiling
At Prom ,I danced with a sophomore because he had a crush on me.
After I had sex for the first time, we went to Mc Donalds. I threw up and regretted it a little. The food, not the sex.
Sometimes I have lied because I was afraid to tell the truth, most of the time I lie because it makes my life more interesting, it makes my history more exciting.

If you keep them entertained, they won’t leave you. It will be impossible for them to really ever know you. Since you change as you entertain. You will never be quit in focus. You will be, “unknowable, therefore loveable…”. If Derrida got it right, you will be desired for your whole life.
And isn’t that better than love?
These are concepts I wrestle with. This is what is b e t w e e n me and every man.
As I push you away and towards me again.
And every kiss I’ve ever had rushes into my mind. How many eyes have looked intently into. How many questions that have never been answered.
And I finish my sixth cup of coffee.
My head aches and my eyes fill with tears.
The only answers I get are from my reflection. The only thing you offer is questions.
I decide that I like coffee, I decide I prefer Dr. Pepper. These are the only things settled today.