ah the begining

Apr 11, 2008 - 11:22 AM PST

so here it is, i'm going to have to grow up, it's rediculously scary. i mean well.. okay scary may not be the best choice... but.. well, it is really. i got married three months ago, and while Andrew is deffinately the best thing that has every happened to me, its still really new for us, well for me at least, i mean, i have never really been on my own before, course, i guess i should say that's not really the hard part, i mean money is tight, and nothing is as wonderful as not living with my mother anymore. it's really just that fact that right now, the only thing i can really classify myself as.. is his wife. i don't have a career, i don't know what i'm going to do with the rest of my life, i've had ideas, blips really, in my life that i thought i knew how it was going to go, i wanted to be a piercer or a tattoo artist, or a musician, or something... but those i think might be unrealistic goals for me, i mean, i'm not sure that i have what it takes to get myself out there, for others to like me enough to listen, or to pay me to mark their bodies forever. i mean, am i doomed forever to be a house wife? i mean i work, a boring meaninglessjob that my husband reminds me people out there actually want to do. and it gives me something to do during the day, i don't know... it seems like all of my friends went off to college and are making something of their lives. but they always knew what they wanted to be when they "grew up" in first grade when we had to tell our class what we wanted to be when we grew up, while all the other kids were drawing firemen and astronauts and ballerinas i had a piece of paper with a fairy and pine tree. so clearly even then my reality was a bit warped. but then again who knows, maybe i will go on to sprout wings and save the lives of hundreds of small woodland creatures from the big angry loggermen with their big angry tree killing machines....

i've thought about going to cosmotology school, i really enjoy doing hair, i mean,i've always done my own, and i do several of my friends on a regular basis, and not to toot my own horn here, but i do a pretty good job, the only problem is the closest cosmotology school costs 8 grand, now while that doesn't sound like a lot compared to most colleges, thats eight thousand dollars straight from my pocket, they don't offer scholarships or grants or special funding, its straight money, and its not gonna come from mommy and daddy either, so i suppose that idea is on hold, then there is the whole bit about , well what happens if i do manage to pay all that, then i don't like it, and don't do well, am i just screwed? probably, lol. i know that work is work, but i would just like a job that doesn't make me want to die. i don't think thats too much to ask. really.

i'm not sure... advice? anyone?