As boredom settles in, I return to quarterlife

Feb 29, 2008 - 20:40 PM PST

I am on my way out the door of college but stuck in the door frame. It's called graduate school. All of the things that I learned in college are starting to be fogotten, the habits, the obsessions, but they still exist and are ever present. When I go online I have an urge to go sign onto aim and check every away message multiple times as a way to waste time. I want to leave my computer on and never turn it off because that's what I did in college so that I could always open the laptop and quickly check email or away messages. I want to play stupid computer games for hours and ignore the time until I notice that I should have gone to bed hours ago and will have a lousy sleep before work or school or anything in the morning.

But something has changed. I might leave my computer on, but I avoid my room, and thereby my computer and all of its distractions and obsessions. I go onto aim less than once a month since people can call, text, email, or not tell me meaningless things. When I am on my computer it is usually for the purpose of schoolwork. Checking email is done at work and they block myspace and facebook so I forget to check those sites.

I'm in the doorframe because I still want to do all of these things. I can't even explain why I don't do them completely. I hate being on the edge of adulthood. I don't know where I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing, and it causes uncertainty. The one thing that I hope is that my job doesn't get wind of this site. I might not write much, but I'm writing what I'm thinking and feeling and the job has already stolen away myspace and livejournal so this is my new blogging site. There's something of a comfort in the fact that I don't have friends on the site. I've already pushed my comfort zone in something I've written because it's broadcast to strangers. My friends think they know me but I don't know if they would understand me. Yet another change from college is the fact that I can admit this and not search for people I know. Being comfortable in the anonymity will be nice.