Because Im a boomer-rang

May 13, 2008 - 20:40 PM PST

You're in my head. You're words are eating at my brain. You've poisened my every thought. Your words control my thoughts, emotions, and now my actions and decision making. Is this what you wanted? Baby, Im here to say you've won. You've won over me, my heart, my soul, my mind. My mind is aching, and I cant control anything that is going on. I am no longer me, Im am who you made me into, but its not good, its bad. And somehow, like most, bad wins over the good. And all because of your hurtful and abusive words, Ive lost a precious gift, myself, my soul, my family, the one I love (you), and my mind, yes baby Im crazy. We no longer have anything thats keeping us together. Two different worlds, different planets. But I can still see you through my microscope. You look so small, maybe this is how it should be. So small, so tiny, to where you don't affect my life. Youre just something out there in the universe that doesnt affect me, and dont know much about. So whats left? Ive got nothing, I think I’ll ground myself, just take everything away, so I can be alone, hang out with myself today. So I take all my things that are important to me and put them in a jewelry box and is put somewhere safe. Im starting from scratch. A brand new day, a new breath of fresh air. Going away for awhile, not to sort out my thoughts, or worry so much, be by myself, because Im constantly surrounded. I miss my family, and I wish they knew that everyday I think of them. It keeps getting harder to tell them because they don't want to see me cry. Im losing in this battle, I want my life back. I want answers, I want things solved. I want a heart without hurt.

We go out in the world with the thought in our head, meant to build us not to destroy. In the beginning I was someone totally different, I had a different heart, a differnt smile, different morals. Or maybe its all the same, and everything is simply just altered? Or is it just hidden, hidden behind walls, walls that look like something totally different, a morage? I used to wake up feeling good about myself, and felt strong. I now wake up knowing that in less than 60 minutes Im going to be at a place for 7 hours of my hell, school. The school that contains the one thing I can no longer face, and its simply the boy who has enough of my heart to break it. Im getting better though, some days are still hard. You know that one thing, that simply brings you back to everything. Reminding you of all the memories you contain, whether is an object, a song, or his name. Dont you hate having the feeling of crawling back, but you cant? Seasons always change, but I always loved him. I know too much, and it eats at me. Good, bad, inside out, secret life. Sometimes I wish I could be brainwashed of all of this but at the same time I dont, cause some parts are beautiful. To know him in power and in pain. He was the portion in my life and now he's my strength now in my fight. In pain and in the dark Ill love him. This is my new challenge, I had the same one for a year, fighting for the one thing I had a true desire for. I messed up, and Ive confessed to everything. How did we get here? What went wrong, seems like this last month, went by so fast I don't know how this happened to us. I feel at blaim, but its not only me. I have done wrong and Ive grasped that, but it hurts me that he cant even just come clean. Just admit it. Im here suffering through this, I hate all these feelings. I hate him but I love him more than ever. I want answers, I want to find what makes him tick inside. I hit rock bottom, we didnt expect me to get here first, my hands and knees have met the ground that Ive become so familiar with. We all thought it would be him, but when will he ever hit rock bottom and learn? Change? I was always so scared of change, but now Im scared things wont change..I never expected this, and I never expected it to be easy or perfect, but I learned you have to expect the unexpected and except the challenge.

ACCEPTANCE: It was all beautiful, a masterpiece. We really could have made a movie out of our lives..Im not leaving, Im right here. Stop counting the injuries and being an optimistics nightmare. Stop, its nonsense, stupidity at best, youre weighed down mind changes reality. All godo turned to bad, and when it doesnt you force it. You lied. I lied. You're not a saint, it was all painful but it was all magical. It was you and me. You're not horrible, youre amazing, but you do have your bad side, it hurts to see it, when its never appeared to me before. Everyone is exposed now, dont make forgiveness a lie, dont ruin man-kinds last grasp on reuniting. Im strong nwo, you helped me become this, nothing was a waste. You made me who I am, as do I to you, Im waiting I always will be, boys come and go but a true lover always stays. Im not a wisher, but I hope for the best as you hope for me. But as youre hoping my life away to some great man, I hope you picture that man as you. as so do I. Because love never fails.. Sorry Im living proof of your mistakes..

But I cant do this. Ive numbed the core. I cant feel my body, all muscles and bones imprinted into the bed, all relaxed. But the warmth of his body against my skin, I can still imagine it, every feeling about it. From the back I would always hold you tight. Two bodies together, in the same shape. I would rest my head against your back, just so I can listen to your heart beat. The beautiful unique rythym, it plays my favorite song. The wind outside your window is blowing, all bets are off, anything is possible. I still remember that one day, something made that day special. He turned his body my way, the hurricane outside is now in my ear, as he was in a deep sleep, maybe dreaming, his breathign slows down to a cooling breeze. Gazing at you, I memorized every curve of his neck. His body temperature is always 20 degrees warmer than my own. Its this, his heartbeat, and the breathing off his lips that puts me to sleep. My eyes would soon shut, my dreams are just like my reality; I can still hear him,
I can still feel him upon my skin
I can still see him in my mind
I can still taste him from the last time our lips met
I can still think of him
I can still be there for him
I can still love him
I can still dream of him
I can still read him
I can still understand him
I can still talk to him
I can still hear all the things he doesn't say
I can still need him
I can still trust him
I can still miss him when he's gone

My mind and heart are healing, as my head turns away. Im feeling happy, with everything. I know that will stick, but right now the tape is off, and Im finding a new way. Its better not to think.
Your thoughts will drive you insane. I’ve learned that from a person, who made my head turn away. You can fight for your happiness, if you honestly believe it. Don’t worry about it, because I’m a boomer-rang.


You just really know how to leave your mark.

P.S. This sentence is the beginning of me letting go. Good-bye to it all, this is the beginning to a wonderful journey and a life filled of happiness. Mistakes will always occur, there will always be room for change, forgiveness, and second chances. Hold no more regrets, it lead me all to here, a new breathe of fresh air to start off this mysterious adventure to my destiny of where all my dreams will come true.