Being Sick for So Long

Jun 07, 2008 - 11:56 AM PST


They say everything happens for a reason. I guess I really and sincerely believe that. I was so caught up in everything, worry and stress had me in chains. How nice it is when you can stand back and look how small that all is from a distance. Watch some meaningless TV. Food cannot control me anymore because I can not engorge myself with it. The bathroom floor is cold against feverish palms.
Life is worth it all, I think, and in the end it does not matter what we accomplished – that only matters to the sorry people that are still alive. I would trade my GPA for love. I would trade a test grade for a Saturday with a best friend. You don’t know how the story goes, so why are you dictating it? Life takes me places I wouldn’t have gone on my own. That’s what I need: no options. Life keeps my standards high and humility keeps my confidence low. I want to be wanted. I don’t believe that people care so much because of the ways I have been treated in the past. But I cannot just blame the past for every single stupid thing I believe. I do not want to hear excuses, so why do I use them?
I think I need to let people get near me. I need to shed my armor, hand people the knife and realize that they are not going to use it against me. I say things again and again but never actually follow through. I want to do this, I want to promise myself. The funny thing is that I have no more secrets to share. There’s a hint at least of pretty much every single story I harbor in these pages and I feel they can’t get to me anymore. I will be fine. It’s only a body. It’s only a mind. It’s not real anyhow. It’s not anything more than an optical illusion. The shivering stops if you pretend to be warm. Can’t you hear the song when the music’s not playing? Give away everything you have if you want to be strongest.
I am afraid of my emotions, but they are the only way I can write. This is only life. It’s not you, it’s just a rental. There is nothing more amazing than the truth.
And this is reality now.