Blocking People?Dec 19, 2007 - 21:37 PM PST I don't think anyone really reads my blog... except for maybe MacMan... my one and only friend on "qLife". Recently, though, I haven't wanted to talk to anyone in my family, or any of my friends. I can't even stand a two second conversation on the phone and I'm always hanging up on people. I wonder if this is bad. I kinda feel vulnerable right now to tell anyone anything. I don't feel like in the real world [where we confront face-to-face] there is anyone I can really talk to. Christmas is in less than a week and I feel farther from God than ever, I always have to stop myself from crying in public. It's horrible. I remember two months ago when I found out my sister had a tumour, I cried my eyes out for like twelve hours. Now, I can't stand that same sister, she calls me, I pick up, say something kinda disrespectful and hang up. This same sister is my half sister, just like Charles and David are my half brothers. I don't think it's fair that Melissa is apart of my life and Charles and David aren't. David's in town for Christmas, I have no way of getting ahold of him. He wanted to be with us for Christmas, but my mom said "no". How can she say that? That's a guy who's a part of my life and has been missing since I was three, and that's my dad's son. No one considers my feelings... that's not a statement to start a pity party, it's just a statement. I'm not complaining, I'm just simply saying why should I be in this house if I have no say in anything. I want to be gone. I can't take it, despite all the depression in my life, I have no inspiration to write. Oh yah, I've officially decided to stop playing guitar. I have no support. I just want to give up everything I love, and maybe I could kill myself with loneliness. People don't trust me to take care of myself. They think I have a huge mouth, when I can honestly say I don't. I used to when I was little and had all those pathetic problems. But now, I only tell the secret if it means saving a relationship worth saving. Now a part of Melissa hates me for saying something I shouldn't have, but I only did it because I was always scared of the family falling apart. And it has now, so I have nothing to worry about. I remember in the summertime, I liked Jared so much. It was when we were close. I only told Brianna, I told her not to tell Elisa because of this damn stupid history that Elisa was obsessed with. And she did. So when she told me who she liked, which was "Turtle-Face", I didn't care because it was obvious to the world. Then Elisa told me that she knew I liked Jared, so I told her who Bri liked. Then Bri was all pissed at me because I said who she liked. And I told her that I trusted her and she broke it, and now there's no trust-factor. So now she knows what it's like to have no one to trust. Now with all her problems, and my problems I don't care. Because I know that hers are the petty ones with all the snobs at school. Like today, she told me that she was mad at Brittany... and I said Why? She told me that she wouldn't say because I would tell Brittany. Then I said "AH,Fuck I won't Bri". Bri is messed up and she gets as deep as lyrics she doesn't understand. Then back to Jared, it's all the same, but he's just cut me out. |
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