Dear Dad,

May 16, 2008 - 10:50 AM PST

I wrote this about a year and a half ago, I still read it today
and I thought I would share it with you. To all of those who has
lost their dad, or any parent.

one day, I’m sure you’ll understand what I’m trying to say
but for now, I’ll just let you vent out your pent up anger
because if I were you, I would be screaming at the top of
my lungs filled with air and sharp needles, but I’m not you
so I’m staying silent, waiting for you to stop hurdling words
into my direction, waiting for you to stop.
I’m waiting patiently, like I was for the past few years, for you
to finally come around, but the chances of that are slim to none
and I’m stuck here again with your drunken rages and my
silent battles, as I wait for you to calm down enough to quiet
your thoughts, to slip into an unconscious state, and I’m sure
this will pass, because it does every night, and I’m sure you
don’t even remember last night, because you can’t seem
to remember much of anything but yourself.
do you remember that?
do you remember that?
do you remember me?

I’ve got slippery fingers that things often fall through
I can’t keep something up to save my life
and with this brutal talent, I’ve noticed most things fall
but the things that are most important stick
and I guess I’m just dropping stuff to see what sticks
to see if it grips my hands so I can’t let go, because
where would I be without something to hold on to
and where would I be without the people I love
they are the ones that have been sticking to me
not you, not you
and I have epiphanies every once in a while
and even though you talk to me like a child
I’ve realized you’re a lot easier to let go of
then I once thought possible
I thought I couldn’t live without hearing your voice
before I went to sleep every night, but the truth is
I can live without you, and what’s more
I’m doing a damn good job of it too.


and next week is your birthday
I’ve seemed to catch myself
thinking about you a lot lately
It’s been almost 4 years now
since I found out you were leaving
I wonder if you are ok
I wonder where you are
I wonder who you are with
I wonder what it is you are doing
I wonder, are you even alive?
you used to be here,
telling me who you would
like to see me grow up to be
but you are no longer here
to watch me grow and change
I am not happy with who you are
or who you have been
I doubt I would accept you in my life today
I feel ashamed of you
seeing friends and family makes me feel
nto welcome but more than anything
I feel more sorry for you and how
low you are in life

I’ve seemed to catch myself thinking
about you a lot lately
and wondering if you would approve of me
I’ll never be able to look you in the eye
nor will I ever get the chance to
share that father daughter dance or
introduce you to the guy I love

with everything gone wrong
I still catch myself wondering if
you would approve of me
and be happy for who I have turned out to be

as much as I want to hate you inside with everything i am
I still catch myself wishing you were here
and share those father daughter moments we once shared

I wish you were here
so I can say,
"dad, I have made mistakes in life just like you. you took
a path that I believe lead you the wrong way. running away
from your problems will never solve anything. if there was anything
that you taught me it was, that no one is perfect and we all
make mistakes. we all reach bumps in the road. dont run
away from your problems, don’t hide, don’t ignore them cause
they can’t fix themselves. you told me to hang in there, be
strong. you and mom weren’t giving up on me yet. dad, why
are you running? I wasn’t giving up on you yet. you showed
me that you lied, you went against all your words, you showed
me what a fool, and coward is. you are my definition of those
words. I wish you could see the damage you have cause
this family. you will never see the tears on your daughters
face never understanding why you left."

you are far gone now. even if you were to come back
nothing would be the same, for we are moving on in
our lives. come back later in life, when it is time where
megan or I are ready in giving our hand in marriage
you wont be there to walk beside one of us. you won’t
be there to see your grand children. you will never be
able to see what megan and I are capable of in life.
you would have to go miles out of your way to fix things
even then, things will never be the same..


I’ve seemed to catch myself
thinking about you a lot lately
but tonight, this is my last good bye.
this is the last time I consider you as my,
dad.