Do These for the One You Love (A Response)

Feb 27, 2008 - 11:41 AM PST

You know…I have jokingly always said that "all women are at least a little bit gay"…and this statement arises from the fact that almost every girl I have met has fooled around with another girl. Just to define "fooling around" in this sense, I mean anything from making out (at least 5 minutes) all the way to full blown porno sex. Girls will usually get a bit offended when you mention this…but let me ask you this. How often do guys just randomly do that? Guys do not make out with each other; guys do not "fool around" with each other unless they are gay.



So follow my line of logic here. If girls want social equality with men, and men who make out with each other are gay…therefore girls who make out with each other are gay. Now…of course, like any other red blooded male I love lesbians. It's just hot. I don't have a problem with someone being gay…shit, some of my best friends are gay…but you should at least be honest with yourself here. So this brings me to the point of this…my newest commentary.



I would like to thank Tim for submitting this to me. The reason for above diatribe is this…why do girls always want their men to act like women? It doesn't make sense. No matter how un-PC it is…men and women are different. We're just wired that way, and for the most part…a lot of that will not be changed willingly. Sure, I am willing to concede that a lot of these points a man could make a conscious effort to do…but it would be going against our nature, and the purpose behind said change will be slightly less than admirable.



Bottom line…girls…if you aren't prepared to drink beer and watch football, learn how to properly insult, play video games, or proudly state that salad is "rabbit food" and not fit for human consumption…then I stand firmly alongside my brethren and refuse to conform to your pathetic lesbian fantasies of what a man should be.



Now, on to the article. This one is entitled "Do these for the one you love" which is of course a list of ways that a MAN should CHANGE, but does not include a single thing about what a woman can do…thus confirming once again that women are hypocrites, fully expecting a man to change but refusing to do any changes themselves….because that would be sexist.



"DO THESE FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE:"

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

[On the surface, this one doesn't seem so sinister. As a matter of fact…I think it is kinda cute when a girl sleeps in one of my t-shirts…but then it dawned on me…this is just another way a woman can trap you in to a relationship. Think about it. Your not just going to give her any old t-shirt…most likely it will be one of your favorite shirts because you know it is comfortable. This will give her butterflies, and without you knowing it…the bitch will jack your shirt and keep it as a "memento". FUCK. I loved that shirt. Fast forward a bit…and you want out. You are forced to make a sacrifice. Either you stick with the bitch and go all Sam Fisher to try and find it (which you won't…women are INCREDIBLE at hiding things they don't want people to find, like vibrators) or you can sacrifice your favorite shirt to the freedom God. Another one bites the dust…]

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT MESSAGES.
[The only time a man sends "cute" text messages is when it's not his phone, and he is fucking with a buddy (or if he is a pussy whipped asshole). I have only recently come around to the wonder that is the text message…but not for any reason you might think. I hate talking on the phone. It's boring, time consuming, and is one of the least multi-tasker friendly activities you can do. One strategically sent text message can save you over an hour of conversation on the phone…but I draw the line at cute. Also, she better realize that if a man is going to text her, she is releasing him of all responsibilities to call her that day. Time is money…and since men tend to get paid more than women…our time is obviously more valuable.]


KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.

[Why the fuck should I? I have always been against public displays of affection. Sure, I fine when it is tastefully done…but for the most part PDA tends to be tacky, disgusting, and flaunting. This point obviously cannot be talking about a simple peck on the cheek or a closed-mouthed on the lips because I have yet to meet a guy unwilling to do that. So she MUST be talking about a full-on French kiss, and that has no place in public. Don't be so tacky. Keep that shit in the bedroom where it belongs. Plus anyway, the next logical step is kissing at the mall…and unless you are content to see ugly people sucking face in the food court…lets end it before that shit gets out of control.]


TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.

[HAHAHAHA. Trust needs to be earned, bitch. So if you have earned said trust…fine. But even then a man should always be a little distrustful to his woman…or anyone really close to him for that matter. Case in point right here…and this case is not all that rare…but I have a friend in the military…lets call him RH. He is married and currently stationed overseas in Iraq. All his military pay is deposited in to a joint bank account. While he was overseas serving our country, she spent every single last dime of what he made…she even went on a fucking CRUISE. I am not kidding here. His enlistment is almost up and he wants to be discharged…but she is pressuring him to re-enlist. I don't know whether he will re-enlist or not…and I know he is unhappy in his marriage…but I seriously doubt he will divorce this bitch…and that makes me sad. I just hope in the future he realizes…don't fucking trust a woman, let alone "above everyone else". There are only 3 people I trust explicitly…my father, my best friend Zac, and the most important man in the universe….myself.]


TELL HER SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

[Compliments are nice…but doesn't it cheapen the effect when a guy needs to be told to say it? Furthermore, a woman shouldn't need to be told she is beautiful…quit fucking reading cosmo and realize that everyone can't be a supermodel. You also need to make a decision here…what is more important…vain compliments or honesty? The vast majority of people are ugly…so you have a much better shot at landing an ugly person than an attractive one. I for one, know I am an ugly, ugly man. I don't expect a girl to tell me I am handsome. Plus, doesn't this kind of go against the long held "lie" women use when they say "personality is more important the looks". I find it hypocritical for you to need to be told your beautiful, but then you get upset when you think a guy is only with you for your looks. It is well proven the more attractive a person is, the shittier their personality is. Case in point…Lindsay Lohan]

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.

[If by eyes you mean breasts….fine!]

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.

[You can mess with my hair all you want…while I am fondling your breasts]

MESS WITH HER HAIR.

[But…but…the breasts are so close!]

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.

[Where the fuck do you want us to with you? We already walk together…to the kitchen, the car, to the body shop to pick up the car you crashed in to the pole at the grocery store while putting on mascara…]

INCLUDE HER IN ALL THINGS Y0U D0.

[PERSONAL SPACE. The three most important things to a man is food, TV, and QUIET. Since it is physically impossible for a woman to shut up for more than 5 minutes (I heard it had something to do with releasing pressure) this goes against one of man's most basic needs. We are willing to put up with you for the majority of the time…but dammit you do not get be included in EVERYTHING we do. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder….I guess we will never know.]

F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES.

[Who did you fuck this time? This goes two ways, bitch. If I am expected to forgive you for your mistakes, you must do the same for me…and I am not talking about you letting it go and then throwing it back in my face during a later argument. Remember that whole "equality" thing you wanted…yea…the bad comes with the good.]

L00K AT HER LIKES SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.

[Well…if the room is empty, and I am looking at her…she IS the only girl I see. Any other time it's just not possible]

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.

[This is called sexual assault. It may not be intended as such…but the police will always take it as such if she presses the issue. Secondly…I have been tickled before…and that shit gets old quick, so if she says stop…fucking stop. Quit trying to confuse us woman…we are too smart for that shit]

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.

[It's really hard to play Xbox with one hand…quit hogging my hand. Get a puppy or something..]

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.

[Physically impossible. If she is swearing at you…she is mad. If she is mad, you will inevitable get mad (or already be mad too) and start swearing back. Once again...why is it the mans responsibility. When the man starts swearing she doesn't say "I love you"…she starts arguing too….double standards…]

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS.

[I will quote Ross Gellar…"Hug..and roll. Hug for her…roll for you"]

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.

[Teasing leads to hurt feelings and anger. So now you say, "well there is a line to what is acceptable". Sure…but why risk it? There is literally no payoff to this. You have two possible outcomes….nothing...or anger. Steer clear of this unless your are a moron]

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER

[Fine. I will put up with Magnolia, but then you get to watch one of my movies, no matter how perverted, vulgar, violent, or sexist it is. Don't want to watch Porky's or Star Wars? Well fuck you, I am not watching Bridget Jones with you]

AND ACTUALLY WATCH IT...NOT TRY TO DO OTHER STUFF

[Why do you care if we are actually WATCHING the movie. Do you need to validate your enjoyment of the movie on whether or not we like it to? If you got the man there to watch the movie already, accept that you have a good thing and move on…anything more you are just being a greedy bitch]

KISS HER F0REHEAD.

[There is no point to forehead kissing. There are next to no nerve endings in your forehead which is why you don't feel any pain when you cut it. So why you would want to be kissed on the forehead when the cheek or lips will cause much more enjoyment. Quit being weird]

GIVE HER THE W0RLD.

[The an awful lot of expectations. Since it is literally impossible to give a person the world, you are saying no matter how much they provide for you, you will not be satisfied. This leads me back to one of my favorite points. Why are men always expected to give shit to women? If you want equality, you need to take the good with the bad…and that means no more free rides. Sure, it's kind of sweet and romantic to buy a girl a gift, but it doesn't make economical sense. We are not allowed to expect anything in return…so what it the point? As a matter of fact…isn't it about time women pay us back and start buying men shit? From now on ladies…you get to ask us out, pay for dinner, take us out, bring us gifts, and if you are lucky…maybe…just maybe you will get a kiss at the end of the night. Fair's fair.]

WRITE HER LETTERS.

[Phone calls, emails, text messages, conversations, and now letters? A man only has so much to say…and we don't like to repeat ourselves]

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.

[Nothing is more pathetic than a sad mopy woman. You can't cheer her up…she become an uber drama queen, and she ALWAYS gets pissed at you for something you had no control over. When she is sad….RUN!!!!!!!!!!]

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.

[Baby, I only hang with important people…so you're cool by association (at least that's what I am telling you]

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.

[So you can blackmail me with em later? I don't trust you for shit. When we break up…that shit goes all over the internet. Did Libby Hoeller not teach you anything? (if you don't get the reference…look it up]

KISS HER IN THE RAIN.

[This isn't the Spiderman man movie. Kisses in the rain only happen in movies…and contrary to the romanticized notion in your head….it is no more romantic than a kiss in doors. As a matter of fact…its much LESS romantic because rain is wet…and cold…and it will ruin your shoes. Not MY shoes of course…I wear cheap New Balance…but your expensive shoes are toast…so how about we go inside, preferably under a tin roof…and kiss in bed. The SOUND of rain is much more romantic that being rained on]

CALL HER EVERY NIGHT.

[For fucks sake…how many times are you gonna tell us to call you? I do not wake up, eat, sleep, and breathe so I can talk to you. I know I said it earlier…and I do see the irony…but God damn it…MEN DO NOT LIKE TO REPEAT OURSELVES and we only have so much to say. Two men can have an entire conversation and only say one word. We're good like that]

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER.

[And forever surrender the power in the relationship? I think now. Nice try, ladies…but once again…we are far to smart for that shit]

AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.
[This one is far to pathetic for me to even comment on. I'm done]


GUYS REP0ST: I'M NOT SCARED
[Any guy who reposts this must officially turn in his penis and membership card to the clubhouse. You are not worthy of being a man. Quit pandering to the females who are p-whipping you and grow a pair.]


GIRLS REP0ST: GUYS ARE TOO SCARED TO BE LIKE THIS
[Laides…fear has nothing to do with whether or not a man acts like this. Human nature does. Any man who actually acts like this is either gay, or just trying to fuck you. Either way you can chalk up a big 'ol "L" in the win/loss column. If you are the type of girl who seriously wishes your man would act like this….it's time to go Dyke.(not that there's anything wrong with that)]


IF Y0U D0N'T REP0ST THIS IN 4 MINUTES Y0U WiLL L0SE "THE 0NE YOU LOVE
[I wrote an entire blog on this shit that I posted as a bulletin…it made the rounds a few times on myspace…but in summary…FUCK YOU AND YOUR bullshit "lose the one you love" threat.