End of the year madness

Mar 10, 2008 - 22:29 PM PST

So it's just about the end of the year and that means I have a lot on my mind. My to do list is a mile long, mixed with short and long term issues. And now I sit here, on the eve of my third exam, in an empty room with only my own stuff as company. My one roomate moved all her stuff out today. Next wednesday, my other roomie will be leaveing as well. As for me, I'm here through the 20th (graduation). The empty bedroom reminds me of how it looked when I first moved in. I remember sitting on my newly made bed with my uncle thinking "please don't make me stay here with some stranger...I'm not strong enough to do this..I can't deal with more people.." But I stayed none the less, jaded from my previous roomate experience. But things turned out just fine..well as fine as can be expected in my life. And as i sit here alone I look out my window at Broadway and the 1 train and realize how much I'm going to miss this beautiful view. Sometimes, I think this view is what keeps reminding me why I want to be here in NYC.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not sad that the year is over...not at all. I mean sure, things will be different: a lot of my new, close friends will be graduating and moving back home, I'll be taking a summer class at a new school, and I'll be living with my uncle. But different doesn't equal bad and lord knows I could use a change from this year.
So what have I learned? Hmmm. I broke a heart, which is nothing new, but I kind of got my own heart broken as well. That was a hard lesson to learn but I choose not to think about things in terms of regrets or mistakes. Maybe it was just karma? I realized some bad habits and emotions are hard to shake no matter where you live. I realized I still can't deal with people in the same way that everyone else does; keeping friends is always so hard for me. I realized I still feel like "a creep, a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here." I learned to want "something rational." I realized I'm not as smart as I thought I was which means I had to learn how to deal with lower grades than I'm used to. I was reminded that I'm always going to be "one of the boys" who most enjoys eating a burger and watching the game with the guys and I embraced that. Although I met a lot of new people this year, I somehow still feel just as alone in this world and still think I don't fit in anywhere.
But overall I learned one major point. Although I LOVE living in the City and am not regreting moving here, I must learn to accept that I can't run from my problems. Although I changed my location, my vices will always stay with me unless I learn to change them. This is something I must work on.
But although I am glad the year is over, I am greatful to the people who made it worth while: Ali, that perfectly random boy I met at Rockin' Robins, the guys in the riverdale apt #3 (+ weekend crew man), my boss Andrew, Choir (aka Michelle, Hannah and Matt), my little boyfriend from Briarcliff, and everyone else that my tired brain has forgotton.
So now I must retire for the night because I have so much more to get done before I go home next week. So I leave you with the wonderful words of Marty:

"College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know? It's making me feel stupid!"

Amen, Marty, amen!