even if you wanted to, even if you could...you can't say no

Mar 08, 2008 - 19:43 PM PST

Nadine died today, and I didnt even know it.

It wasnt until about six o'clock when I bounded up the stairs to get ready for the evening that I realized she was floating atop the bowl, with Floyd and Pink nervously swimming around her. SHE WAS ONLY A DAY OLD. As soon as I saw it, I fell into my bed. It seems very melodramatic, and it was. I have been getting bad news all day long. For starters, I found out that I am being forced into isolation in an effort to maintain my newfound good health. It can only be described by one word: "hermit." Also, I just cancelled my much anticipated trip to New Orleans, a trip which I had really been counting on to sort out some things in my relationship with my boyfriend, in that I'd kind of just anticipated ending the whole thing. And then, Nadine died. Pink, her bowl-mate, was entirely nonchalant about the whole thing; she just kept pecking around at the food floating around at the surface, while Floyd, that little asshole beta fish, kept nipping at her lifeless fins. I bet he was the one who killed her. Sure, I mean, she was a little overweight, but I wanst about to judge her. I had no idea that beta fish were that vicious, either. Poor Nadine. Maybe she was a fish who ate her feelings? Maybe she was a fish not prepared for being a lost soul, swimming in a fishbowl year after year? I think all this death around me is an allegory for something, or maybe it's just a pet-store fish thing and bad timing. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm allowing myself some time to grieve because I'm upset. About the fish and that I'm alone again. I'm left alone again.