everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

Jul 13, 2008 - 00:18 AM PST

id like to be five years old again. when staring at the clouds for as long as you wanted to was okay. and saying what you were thinking right then and there, and not holding back, was just the way it was.

because you were five.

some of the lifeguards went to tonyas tonight to hangout, and after having some fun and acting like kids for a while, we sat down and chatted for a bit. its weird though- the contrast of the people sitting there. on one side of the table, you have three people, 21 years old, with a beer in hand. on the other side of the table you have 4 or 5 people under 21, who blended in just fine. at one point towards the end of the night, it was brought up, briefly, that ive been acting different lately or this summer, or since my birthday, im not entirely sure what was said. but im also not entirely sure if they meant it was a good thing or a bad thing.

all im trying to say is, that lately im realizing that i dont care to hold back anymore. it has taken a while for me to realize that it never became a bad thing to hold back how you feel or what you're thinking, or what you really want to say.

that its okay to be yourself.

maybe it comes with turning 21, maybe it doesnt. but for the first time in my entire 21 years of life, i finally feel like i know who i am. i finally feel like a woman. i thought i did in high school, and you know, i might not have been wrong. maybe i knew the real 'me' that i was then. but ive changed. and ive finally grasped who i am. i know what i want. i know what i want to stand for and who i want to be.

i know who i want to surround myself with, and who i dont need to keep attempting to keep a friendship with. i know what kinds of people i want to be friends with and which kind i dont. i know that the decision that i made at a very young age to stay away from any kind of 'harmful' substances, was the number one best choice i have ever made in my entire life. and the thing is, i made other choices at a young age, that still remain good choices, and therefore come in second and third place, and so on.

ive learned that it truly is okay to not be like everyone else. and i have finally realized that i just am NOT everyone else. i CAN make my own decisions and stand by and believe in them.

not to back track but i need to get this out. at the little lifeguard hang out tonight, like i said, the contrast was weird. and as i was sitting there, i looked at three of my best friends, friends ive had for pretty much what i know to be forever, each with a beer in their hand, and i didnt see them as cool. actually, they kind of made me feel sorry for them. holding that beer in their hand, to me, looked similar to holding a cigarette in your hand, and smoking, because you think it makes you look cooler. but you know what, right then and there, i realized how rediculous the entire thing looked. and for the first time, in a long time, my friends actually, truly, annoyed me.