fuck

Jun 18, 2008 - 09:20 AM PST

I am in the midst of having a massive anxiety attack. I've been having them about 5-7 times a day though. I am not sure what to do, I can't change anything, and I can't go back in time. I've been over it all in my head a thousand times, hoping and praying that if I could just go back in time I could make everything work out, and I wouldn't be in this place. I hate waking up in the morning, because I have no motivation. I have no one who wants or needs me, and I have nothing even that I need to do.

I moved to the east coast thinking that I could start to figure my life out, the stuff of HD Thoreau and every other existential nutjob. Instead, I just want to die. Two days ago I don't know what happened but it just all hit me really hard, that Brad was done with me, that he didn't love me and that I am alone. I just don't understand why he told me to come out here and he told me to go to law school in St. Louis and he said that we would work things out. In reality, he never had any intention of it, or did he? I don't know. If I had stayed in Indianapolis, would he have still broken up with me? Would he be seeing other people? Why don't other people want to see me? Why am I not normal and why can't I just move on like every other person on the planet. I don't want to be me anymore.