goals

Nov 22, 2007 - 15:43 PM PST

Tonight my goal is to go to bed and not cry. This seems like quite an easy goal, but given the fact that thinking about tomorrow already turns my stomach into a multitude of knots might help make clear the idea that my goal isn't quite as easy as it sounds. i had hoped to have been through the hard part and that was the sending and awaiting responses back from my three chosen professors about whether or not they would agree to write me a reference letter for my application to the Master program at my university. Only it seems now that the hard part wasn't at all that, it's the part where i go up there and talk about my application with one of said professors. i don't want to end up being a huge waste of time and i'd rather just submit my application the way it is written and not have to discuss it out loud. i've never liked meeting face to face with people about what i write. And it's not even as if what i'm writing is artistic in any way, it's academic. Although there is a "good" and a "bad" way to write - even academically - it's not as if people need to approve of what you're writing. Unless, i suppose, if you're trying to get a piece published for whatever reason. My hopes have never been to be published, i don't think. i'm too sensitive to criticism, which makes me think i'm probably not cut out for any of this.

In the end my stomach still feels a mess and tomorrow will come, even if i don't want it to.