Goodbyes

Jul 26, 2008 - 07:11 AM PST

“you make me feel like blubbering child!” the words scratched my throat as they made their way out of my body and into the room, circling around him. They felt abrasive and seemed to float like tiny thunderclouds above him. I searched his face for a response, a brief glimpse that what I had said affected him. His eyes were still. There was no proof that he loved me. I can’t turn him into a story. I can’t write about his gaze or his imagined thoughts. I can’t accept that one day I’ll go back through my writings and read a piece about him. I need for him to be more than that.
I threw my arms up in frustration. He makes me understand faith. The chair squeaks as I sit down, the sound’s not enough to elicit a response, not even a glance in my direction. The light is dull and the air is thick. I don’t know where he is, but I know he isn’t with me. There’s no use in speaking now; he won’t hear my words. But if he did, if he really listened, maybe it could fix it. I fought back the tears I didn’t understand, as they made their way to my eyes. I couldn’t cry for him. Not like this. The near by sound of cars and the sun beating in through the blinds made it all seem so real, so natural. This is much harder then it should be. If I could breath and walking away; stand up from the chair and say goodbye… But the air is too thick to inhale and the chair is too sticky and the words, they just don’t exist.
I search his face for something, anything. He loved me once but that doesn’t show now. He is right there, so close I can see his pores and smell his skin. So close that I feel myself in his arms. I can see him smile and feel his lips on my neck. I can see the way we used to be…happy. But it was cut short, lives lost and broken. There is a connection, it’s there, but the wires are crossed. If only I could untangle them. If only I was better. If only things were different. We can’t go back. There is no reverse in life, only forward, on and on.
His gaze is burning through me now… He is waiting for what’s next, stuck in between my words and his response. He won’t give one though. My sigh is enough to impart failure, to let him know I’m lost. I’m scared and confused and there’s no justifying it. Lives don’t work the way they should. Logic is never the driver, it’s not even in the back seat, with any luck it might be packed away in a box in the trunk. If only he could see how illogical this premature end is he might not have been fueled by emotion, but by practicality. I want his life to be softer. I want more for him than this. And I could have given it to him, given him the world, if only he gave me the time. It’s over now, he’s gone.
I look up from the floor and shift my weight. The chair announces my subtle movements to the room. I can feel my lungs moving, my heart beating and my head spinning. I inhale deeply and choke slightly on the confidence that guided me out of that chair. There has been silence everywhere but in my mind. I fracture it gently with the word “goodbye.” I walk stiffly and dejectedly towards the door. As I pass through it, I know it really is goodbye. He’ll be gone forever now, or I will. Either way, we’ll be apart. I feel heavy with relief and happily dissatisfied. I can’t look back. I can’t see him over my shoulder. I can’t have my last view of him as I’m walking away.
Jump.
Jump.
I turn. I can see him through the open door. He’s barely looking up. “Jump.” There is silent confusion. “Jump!” I state as though saying it louder would clarify its meaning. “Have faith in me and faith in yourself. Have trust in us and jump.” He doesn’t get up and run to me. He doesn’t call out to me. He doesn’t shake his head disappointedly. He doesn’t even hear me. Every confidence and conviction is exhaled out of me and I slink slowly away. No greetings, no passion, no future.