guilt

Feb 25, 2008 - 17:32 PM PST

I am a table... i can hold alot of weight on my back.
I am a table... I don't know how much i can hold upon me
I am a table... people just keep dropping stuff over and over
I am a table... I can feel my legs shaking, I can feel them becoming weak
I am a table... collapsing inevitably


People thing i am strong because i continue standing no matter what happens, I know that I am weak on the inside, the part of me that matters. Just because I wear my mask so well does not mean that I dont need an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. I have lost more people then I should at my age, I have seen and heard things that I never should have at such a young age I have felt things that no one should feel at any age

i pretend that i know who I am and where i should be. I pretend that i have a good life and when i let my guard down for 1 second and show those who say they are my friends how i really am i loose them. yeah i know that everyone has problems.. so fuck you, it doesnt mean that my problems arent important. You think you are a friend and you want me to open up more what the fuck ever

this month is the 2 year mark of my mom death, how do you ever get over something like that. the assfuck who says he loves me cant figure out why i cant put it behind me. He cant get that it was my fucking mom and i treated her like shit most of my life.. because i couldnt forgive her for her mistakes. and now the world cant forgive me for mine.

i cant stop crying, i cant stop hurting, i cant stop wishing i could go back 7 years with all the knowledge i have now and change everything.

I fake myself in to thinking that i am glad for all the things that have happened in my life, because it maked me who i am now... but i hate who i have become