Here i am

Dec 18, 2007 - 22:05 PM PST

So today is December 18,2007.Im sure thats known already.Today i started watching Quarterlife because i was curious.I watched most of the episodes before i went to my choir concert which was at 7.I was so sure that my concert was going to go horriably but amazeingly it turned out pretty good.There where a few bumps but you know we all pulled togethor and made it threw.It was my best friend Bretts last concert because he graduates at semester which is on January 10th.Im so proud of him.Hes finally graduateing.Actaul graduation isnt untill 2 days before his 18th birthday.Lucky him.Anyway the one person i couldnt help but stare at was my x girlfriend Lyndsey.Shes so beautiful.When we were rehersing with the whole choir before we went on stage she was worried about not being able to sing.I looked at her and i said "If you have to just lip sync" i love her eyes and she said "But you guys need me".She did what she could, lip sank a little bit and then sang some more.Her voice is that of an angel.Once she had a solo and during rehersal she would make me cry everytime.The story behind me and her and why we are not togethor anymore is this.I have always had a crush on her since i first saw her.Truth be told back in 6th grade she was a bit of a bitch but that didnt stop me because every woman has their moments.I never told her, then she moved.I thought i'd never see her again.Then it all changed the summer of my freshman year me and my friend Kassie where sitting in the libary and i thought i saw her.I got up and went to go look and sure enough it was her.Kassie followed because she thought i was crazy.All the feelings i thought where gone,oh god they came back.I couldnt breathe and it was good to see her again.Anyway,when i decided it was time to come out about me being bisexual she was the first one i told.I was sitting next to her at the Alternative Campus.I had written a poem about it and she had read it over my shoulder and asked if it was true.Then i wrote one about her and she asked who.I hesitated a bit then i told her.She smiled that smile that could blind the world.Bright yet beautiful.Then this summer i was at the carnival with my best friend Brett and while he was talking to his boyfriend at the time Jerimiah, i was off with Lyndsey and my newly found sexy friend Ariel.We all ran around like we were crazy flirting with each other back and forth.Then me and Lyndsey did a shot gun which is where one person takes a drag from a ciggerette and then you exhale into the other persons mouth pretty much kissing them.Well we did kiss.I swear to god i seen ever possiable firework in the world plus felt shivers and went numb.Nobody will ever take that feeling or that memory away from me.Anyway, knowing i didnt have a chance in hell with Lyndsey i asked Ariel out.So as the night continued i walked around with Ariel and just hung out.Then it came time for me and Brett to head back home because we were about an hour away in Imperial.Me and Lyndsey where texting then she called.She asked if i was dateing Ariel and without hesitation i said "Yea why?".She sighed and she told me she wanted to ask me out.I immediately felt my heart sink into my toes.Never felt that before.I told her i loved her more than the world could ever know so i would dump Ariel the next day.So we began dateing.Heavens gates opened up i was happy.We hung out a few times,and she looks so cute in a cowboy hat even tho she says she doesnt.Then i made the retarded mistake of giveing her up because i got scared.It was the first day of school and i was kind of excited because i had her to help me threw it.She lives 7 miles away and so i dont get to see her as often as i would like but with school i get to see her every day.That day i tried to talk to her and she only spoke a few words to me.So i got extremly scared.I barrowed my friend Bretts phone because he has unlimited texting and i broke up with her.I regret that moment ever day i wake up.She smiles at me from time to time and we still talk.I've tried to tell her how i feel but it doesnt seem to matter to her.Her eyes could take over the world.Her voice could shatter hearts,it did mine, still does.I usually dont talk this much about her because it hurts knowing that shes not mine and that i love someone that i'll never be able to be with.Its like in Cruel Intentions when Sebastion tells Annette that he doesnt love her.I made a mistake and i cant take it back.The moment i left her i died.No one will ever be able to bring me back to life except her.I wish she was here now.
I love you LDF!!Always N Forever.