hesitant

Apr 11, 2008 - 01:42 AM PST

Do you ever find yourself hesitant to I.M or e-mail someone? It is 4am I can't sleep my college / only Real ex was on aim.
(Background)
We were / are mostly just friends I was her driver to places. She was my first valentine date. I attempted to be romantic a few times during the semester we hung out I gave flowers / gifts. When I tried to kiss her I missed and got her cheek.

In the end She needed space to focus on school I gave her space. If she wanted to hang out she could call me. Last I talked to her she didn't actually finish.

I did get a vibe that she may not be it. The only real local person bit throws me off. Anything is possible maybe I was wrong or she is different.

She didn't get the online life. She had me take a week off of being on the internet. I have always been comfortable talking more online where I would e-mail people. After that situation plus others who didn't respond to my long thoughts I try to keep things shorter.

As therapeutic video blogging is to some the way I use the internet to interact with people has been for me. I am working to bring myself into the real world which Video blogging will help. In my own time.

(Current)

I knew it was late but also would of liked to say hi. I have no other current way of contacting other then random online times.

Then there is what to say I know I've been working hard the last few months. It doesn't always feel like progress. The question that usually comes up is what am I doing now. Explaining about Quarterlife would invite people to my inner most thoughts. That this account has been filling up with. It isn't that I am worried about people seeing just specific people. Or talking to me about it later about a random post I forgot about.

Or is it that I don't know if I want her in my circle if she became an active Quarterlife user or any place I am involved with it would be fast and weird. How is that different from meeting someone on Quarterlife to someone who transitions to a larger friendship? Because I know her?

Maybe it is a sense of wanting to impress? Like at reunions (as seen on TV) where they want to say they've done an amazing thing. Just bragging I don't actually want her to be involved?

It seems like I am always in transition where in a few weeks I could say something else but right now I am still waiting for an answer which could come early next week. Until then I am basically the same as I was the last time we talked. Which was months ago. Profession wise. Or otherwise socially.

Which doesn't matter at all anyway if she is like me or as I imagine anyone. I would just want to know if she is OK and happy. Which the answer for me is yea. Things could always be better yet I like the things I am doing. Even if others don't understand. The basic Yes applies. Which makes for a short conversation. Is that boring?

Then I concentrate too much on myself maybe there is something she needed to talk about with someone.

Such is the thoughts that were in my head on this night.
As always those who read these blogs and watch these videos are good friends for taking the time to learn about me. Thank you.

Have a wonderful day hopefully talk with you soon.