Hold me, Hold me, I cant,Cant , I swear I cant let you

Mar 03, 2008 - 16:48 PM PST

Don't be so hard on yourself
The name of the game is humiliation,
And thanks for your admiration.
I never thought I'd say this:
The way that we play has such confrontation:
And guilt by association.

-----------------------------------------


I love how I can relate to music at the moment. In a weird way I find it comforting. It's like the music understands me. I don't have to say a thing. I have so many decisons to make. People to let go. I think i've done a lot of growing up this past year. Ever since I moved, I made stupid decisions just like I always do but at the same time I have done a lot on my own.

A lots been bugging me lately. It sucks because I was so just getting back on my feet.
But tonight...Tonight I think it's a drink until I pass out night. I dont even feel lonley because I have so much going on through my head.

Someone recently has been reminding me what a 'bitch' I am. I guess he's right. It's not that I mean to be. But like someone else said to me this weekend"Your hard headed and always defensive" it got me thinking. I'm protecive of myself. No, I don't feel sorry for myself. I just am scared of getting hurt. Its easier to say she was hurt then to see the pain and know it. Pain from a lot of different experiences. Yeah love,hate,loss,words,death.

I recently realized I separate my outside self from my inside self.
Inside im real.
On the outside...i'm dorky, I try to ACT confident.
On the inside I'm confused, fixing myself from pain, insecure.
But yes I am defensive of my self INSIDE AND OUT.
Because no one will ever take care of you the way you can yourself.
And I need to guard what I got. Someday Ill need it.
If that makes sense.


Anyways I'm just babballingggg.
but this past weekend I went up to college station to hang out with my brother whom I use to be tight with but all of this year he wants nothing to do with meeeee.
I wrote him this And he hasnt responded but I know he read it.
Maybe he just doesnt care.

"I tried talking to you all weekend but you wouldnt.
So This is the last time im going to try.
We USE to be close. I USE to be able to talk to you with out you flipping out or changing the subject. You WERE one of the reasons I moved here. And now its like ever since I moved here you don't care to talk its you being over protective.
May I remind you that ou are TEN TIMES more the slut than I am. You have no Idea about my sex life or if I even have one. You just assume Im easy like the girls you use to get with. Maybe you know one person ive been with (nate) but that gives you no right to be so damn over protective or call me a slut all the time. The other night you said you know my true colors well I guess I know yours too. I drove Two hours to see you. And we didnt hang out at all. I use to call you all the time and you would never return my calls. Yeah for you 2 hours isnt far. But im not 29 im 19 and it was a long ride by myself and I did it cause i wanted to hang out with you. I dont think you took that into consideration.
The night at your fireman party...I felt like a huge joke which was why I was so defensive and pissed off. Im your sister..not a joke. Those guys thought it was funny to be all over me to tease you and shout things becuase yeah im "diamonds sister". I use to like hanging out with you. But I think I realized this weekend I dont anymore. Maybe its that you are getting older. Or maybe its the fact Im getting older and you cant accept that. I'm not sure which.
But that night was wrong. It was funny to you and your friends...but I would like to go out and not be this huge joke.

I guess it is what it is. "