I need walls.

Dec 02, 2007 - 00:47 AM PST

People are pretty funny, sometimes, especially when it comes to emotions.

I honestly don't understand how a person can just take someone's trust and completely betray it. You can give so much to someone and tell them extremely personal things about you, and they act like they care about your emotions when all they really give a shit about it using you. How can a person do that and not feel a shred of regret? Or even sympathy, for crying out loud.

I just found out tonight that not only was this guy trying to get with me WHILE he has a girlfriend, but also, when I was dating him, he had sex with someone else.

And he got mad at me because I kissed someone else when we weren't together, but in that awkward dating-before-relationship stage.

The world is really a pitiful place, and it's horrible. I put so much trust in people, hoping that maybe they could possible have the ability to convey the same emotions that I'm capable of, and often allow myself to feel, and each time, I get let down. And it's ridiculous that I haven't learned my lesson yet. You would think that, now, having been used by three different people and being heartbroken at least once, possibly twice, I would straighten myself up, build some walls, and find someone that won't treat me like an object completely devoid of emotion, which, most of the time, is exactly what they are! Instead, I pray that maybe, finally, I've found that one person that does understand me, and really does care for me like I hope for.

Part of me thinks that I'm so wrapped up in worrying what that person thinks of me that I'm too blind to see past the mask they put up. Not only that, but like I said, I hope for someone that will care for me like I've always wanted. It's nice to hear someone tell you that they think about you all the time, or that they're falling in love with you, or sometimes they do love you! And when you find out that it's a total lie, you're completely astounded and heartbroken, and then you beat yourself up for even believing them, when you were positive that, somewhere, you knew something was wrong, something they did or said was off, but you brushed it off because you were so blinded by the emotions they pretended to show you.

This sounds horrible, but I hope that I get my act together enough to put some major walls up, because, despite my reluctance to tell people extremely personal aspects of my past, I still let myself go when a guy starts telling me sweet things because I thought they really did mean them, or that I hoped they really would. Maybe if I toughen up and stop myself from believing the shit the make up, I'll protect my heart from any further damage, and then I'll find the one guy who really will love me for all parts of me: virginity, passion, and all.