I think I am going crazy.

Oct 05, 2008 - 20:56 PM PST

Feelings about one thing bleed into everything. Across the board my life is affected. There was point where I thought that anger and disappointment were the things that fueled my creative drive. I was was wrong. I find myself very upset and very walled off. Do I shut down as a result of being upset? I think so. Is it healthy to answer your own rhetorical questions? The answer to that is pending. Do not know whether to find the answer in the ether or in the reality.

I want to be the vapor. I want to be a molecule in a rain cloud. I want to be the storm. I want to wash it all away.

I am the most selfish person you have ever met.

I really just want to hide.

I am not the person I want to be and I am not sure how to get there. I can see myself in the future as the person I want to be. I can see it very clearly but that person is on the other side of a vast canyon. There is no bridge. No way to get across. There is only empty space. Every time I take a step out into it I fall onto wake up back in this side of the cliff. I do not even get the satisfaction of not having to try anymore. I keep taking steps and keep falling. I cannot break this cycle.