if it's not meant to be, why am I feeling this way?

Sep 11, 2008 - 19:49 PM PST

as it turns out, he's not taking me back. Apparently, he'd have to seriously think about it for a while, which he refuses to do.
So, once again I SCREWED myself.

I finally found someone I care about more then anyone, respect more then anyone, want to be with more then ANYONE... and I went and screwed it all up.

I told him that I didn't think I wanted 2 just wait around for him to make up his mind, I don't like being something to be 'thought over'.
But, in the meantime, I'll wear a genuine smile on the outside, pretending it's not eating me alive on the inside.
I'll go about my day perfectly fine, with all my goals & routine in hand.
...it's at night when it truly gets me.
... it's at night when I unleash the inside that's eating me, out into the open. (in my own privacy of course)

I used to get excited when I saw him around school, now my heart stops forever it feels like, as if time stands still for a minute, like we're rly the only two ppl around, everything in complete slow motion. My stomach too. ugh, my stomach gets the worst, as if a bowling ball had been dropped on it. I can't even look at him now, with the fear that if we made eye contact for even a second, he'd be able to somehow read my thoughts through my eyes. I don't want him to know how it's been eating at my insides, how I've been trying my hardest to hide it, how at night my true feelings are unleashed.