[If only you knew]

Feb 16, 2008 - 16:09 PM PST

I can't do this anymore. I sat here, right here and I listened to every word that you whispered. I hung on each murmur and it became my religion. My meaning.

I trusted you. I gave you ammunition I knew you would never use. You created your own. You took up the ashes of what I used to be and you created it into something new. You said "There's this girl I've been thinking of..." You hinted and you built it up.

"Who is she?" I asked the first time.

Not me.

I loved your every description of life and I listened to every song that you recommended. Before long, everything reminded me of you.

"I've been thinking of someone else..." You said this time.

Finally, I believed it was me. It couldn't be me. When he would tell me it was me all along, I practiced what I would tell him, in my dreams, in my sleep. It was going to be this time...

Not me. Someone miniature and cute.

I feel myself grow colder. It's cold all the time. I don't need you anymore. I can live without you. My hopes are not high. My hopes? I say they were never high. I never expected anything.

But I did. So much.

And this time, this last time.

"There's this girl that I like, that I haven't told anybody about."

I stop and I turn away. Leave me alone. Because I'm not strong enough to do it one more time.