I'm the Guy.... (A Response)

Feb 27, 2008 - 11:42 AM PST

I was tired today...so my rant is at the end of this...not the beginning. Ultimately...guys are assholes and women are crazy. Guys will always have one thing on their mind, and girls will always think that it isn't sex. Guys will always be straightforward and ask for what they want, and girls will always be vague and suggestive and hope we eventually get the point....seriously...wouldn't be easier if everyone was just gay?


Im the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams
[I'm the needy fucker who has no real life and must live vicariously through his girlfriend. I'm the fucker who is so pathetic in his daily life that he must grasp on to the one thing he feels distinguishes himself until the inevitable day that she finally leaves him]

Im the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.
[I'm the guy who will hold you while you cry because when grew up I was bombarded with images of soft men who were emotional and weak which lead to me being ostracized by the generation before me who were raised with the rightful images of men like John Wayne and Marlon Brando]

Im the guy who still thinks your beautiful with no makeup, wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.
[I'm the guy who will tell you these things because I know that compliments are the quickest way to what I really want]

Im the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don't want.
[I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do the things you don't want to until we are in the heat of the moment and you can't help but say yes]

Im the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when your not feeling well.
[…and hope to get laid]

Im the guy who kisses you on the forehead.
[….because your breath stinks]

Im the guy who'll randomly tickle you just to hear you giggle.
[…knowing full well that laughter releases endorphins which may lead to sex]

Im the guy who dosen't kiss and tell.
[...except my buddies….I always tell my buddies…and sometimes I blog about it too…and depending on how hot you are…the guys at work. But otherwise…yea, I don't kiss and tell]

Im the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.
[…because I value your breasts….errr….opinions]

Im the guy who's excited all day because im looking foward to our date that night.
[…because dates, with the right amount of charm and alcohol…usually lead to sex…my raison d'etre] Side note: Looking forward to a date is fine and dandy…but seriously, being excited about it all day is just pathetic and needy…a man should look forward to it…but that's it…being men shouldn't get excited about anything…except Sex and their team being in the championships.

Im the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and want nothing more.
[This is just physically impossible…it's bullshit. No man have ever said this and actually meant it. Girls…this may work for you…but guys are just not wired to work that way, so please don't expect us to. Guys….quit fucking lying about this shit…it makes us look bad]

Im the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.
[…because I am thinking…look at the rack on her..]

Im the guy who'll say I love You first because i'm not afraid to say it
[…fear has no place in the war zone that is "trying to get laid"] Sidenote: If you seriously believe your guy that he loves you anytime within the first 6 months…your just a gullable gullable bitch, and you totally deserve getting lied to and used. If you require a guy to "love you" before you sleep with him…he will lie. Dammit…this is the 21st century, get with the time…girls are allowed to have sex for fun too…so quit trying to convince yourself otherwise]

Im the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.
[…because it is less money I have to spend on you. Dammit…pick up a check once in a while…]

Im the guy who won't lie to you about where's he's going or where he's been or with who he's been with.
[…unless I was nailing some other chick…then I will totally lie. Me telling you is selfish for me to do…it's just me trying to get rid of my "guilt" (HA!), so I will do the right thing and not tell you…and deal with the shame and guilt by myself.] Side note: On this flipside of this…to all the ladies who forbid their men to see certains male friends of theirs….where the fuck do you get off? You do not have the right to choose his friends just like he doesn't have the right to choose yours….so if he needs to lie to you about going to the bar with a buddy…fucking deal with it]

Im the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.
[This is a complete lie. The only time a guy gets "butterflies" is going over a hill or on a rollercoaster]

Im the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.
[EDIT: Loves to FUCK you….]

Im the guy who dosen't mess with other girls when i have you
[…exactly…I don't mess with them…I fuck them]

Im the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and love you more for them.
[…because I know full well that those imperfections eat away at your self esteem making you more willing to do anything I ask of you…]

I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.
[…because I passed out drunk several hours ago…]

I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
[…well…maybe that…after I get laid whenever I want…and an HDTV. HDTV's are cool….]

I AM THIS GUY.... one of many....who always ends up loosing her to the jerks who'll treat her like crap and are "too good of a friend" to date
[This part is completely true. The decent guys will always be pushed aside for the douche bags in the world who actually embody the types of ideals I write about. There is a reason you never hear a girl say "I love him so much, he treats me so great". No, most often you hear "…he treats me like shit….but I love him". There is something wrong with a girl who will break up with a guy and then get back together with him a week later. Guys never break up with a girl and then try to get back with them. Women like to push their self esteem problems on men. Basically you blame us because there are problems in your life, and you for some reason don't feel worth it. You are upset at the shallow world that judges a person based only on their looks rather than their merit of character. You do this while at the same time of being guilty of the same infraction. You speak of things as "dating up" and "dating down". Both guys and girls wish to date someone more attractive than themselves, and it is this notion that is the blame for people's self esteem problems. If you are dating up…that person is dating down, and you will never feel like you deserve them. If you are dating down, you will feel as if you can't get some better…so you are settling. Ultimately, once people, men and women, learn to base their judgments on the old cliché of "it's on the inside that counts"…people will finally be happy, boys will understand girls, and girls will feel like princesses. But alas, I am a pessimist, and also am not naïve enough to think that a stupid little blog, written in character, read by barely more than 50 people could have any effect of the social conscience. But if I at least entertain you…and even once in a while make you see things from a different point of view…than I have succeeded far beyond the modest goal of entertaining myself that I had when I started doing this a year ago.
If you have any material you would like me to comment on, please forward it to me. I would like to get back to the angry, biting, rants I am known for…but am running out of inspiration.
Once again, I welcome your comments and criticism…especially your criticism.