In the Interrupted Silence

Jan 13, 2008 - 02:32 AM PST

I cannot gain control over this thing that i should be feeling.

and i feel the strength of you arms around me.
trust me when i say:
i feel safe here.

but i do not love you.
im not even sure i like you all that much.
and i know that its cliche,
but its not you, its me.
it is me thats unable to feel and understand why you want to keep me.
you are just another face.
to me.
you are just a mere aquaintance.
not even a friend.

and yet your lips hold tightly to my own.
softly, gentley.
please, dont make me hurt you.
i dont want to, but i will.
i will be ruthless and unkind.
i will not lie to you.
not even a little, not to make it easier.

and your hands trace the outlines of my figure.
ive known you infrequently.
barely.
and yet we lay here in bed together.
whispering.
and you hold me.
hold me like you never want to let go.
you make me want to be afraid.

i wish i could feel.
for you, for me.
but there is nothing.
only the warmth that i savor through the night.

i watch you fall asleep.
you snore.
and it makes me laugh.
i guess i could get used to this.
i wish to myself.
but you are leaving.
leaving like they always leave.
*sigh*

you smell like sweat.
like sleep sweat.
like damp laundry and a baby dreaming.
and your hair is covering the eyes that are always looking at me.
even when we kiss.
creepy open-eyed kisses.
but i dont mind for some reason.
perhaps because you make me feel safe.
perhaps because you make this feel real.

but its not.
not for me at least.
i will not lie.
ive used you in the most cruel way.
and teased.
but you are lonely.
maybe i will just pretend thats why you cling to me now.
your face close to mine.
i can taste your breath.

can we say we are friends now?
friends?
you tell me im your only friend.
and i frown a bit at the corners of my mouth.
i am awful and heartless.
yes, i know it.
but you were suppose to know it too.
you werent meant to be gentle and caring.
you werent meant to make me happy.

but as i lay here.
in this interrupted silence.
i am content.
please, dont make me hurt you.
i dont want to, but i will.
i am a jagged flower of razors.
dont touch me.
im bound to make you cry.
so, just let us have this one night.