Into the Wild

Feb 08, 2008 - 16:36 PM PST

It is really hard to re-express what you have been feeling when sitting down to blog after having felt some things and wanting to write about them. (I say re-express as I have already expressed it before in my mind.)

I was full of things in my head after having seen 'Into the Wild'. Every time though that I have been to the cinema in the past year or more, I have been saying to myself that I wont go and see anything else that is depressing, or has the possibility to be... However, I guess the thing is that even some comedies as such can make me feel depressed in some ways... but the problem is that I really like dramas as they are the kind of thing which i relate to what some people say about watching horror films... the feeling of wanting to look away (and doing so) but yet still really want to watch it! I think that I relate to easily to anything that is portrayed and link it in some way to my life and experiences. Of course in this film, the topic is actually quite deep in they way it goes into what most of us are thinking about... the trying to find ourselves. It was not one of my favourite films, but was ok. However, the topic of death always affects me (I have always had that fear and since my mothers, see my last images of her and her unfulfilled desires moving across the screen...) and the topic of wanting to find an alternative to many things in life does too. I felt very sad that he wanted to return after his experience, yet he physically couldnt. Very tragic. Of course it makes me wonder what alternative I am really looking, or more hoping for. What am I trying to acheive... At the moment the main thing that comes to mind is to be happy with myself.

I feel a bit weird even about the blogging thing, as the mix between writing for myself and writing to be read, is a bit too strange. I want to write in public to be 'heard' as such, to share with everyone what I am feeling, yet at the same time realise the huge self indlugence in this. I guess like most people I just dont want to be alone. (Not that it is all bad, but I guess when theres a lot of self pity its hard to feel that its good. Luckily I am not quite as self pitying as I used to be.) Anyway the point of blogging for me would be as well as sharing, the thing of feeling that by writing what I am experiencing I might be able to help someone else in some way. Of course I also 'benefit' from relating to others, but... Yet I have the feeling that it is only really the big and profound things that people are saying that make a difference...In the sense that people are interested enough to read their stories. Those who are able to sell themselves and to me seem all cool and arty and intelligent... Even in the forums I have the feeling that well I may not as well be writing in them. Some people create the atomsphere that I need to really think about what I am saying otherwise I will be criticised for not having thought it out or it not being inteligent enough. I dont think they even create this atmosphere intently. I guess it is also hard to get in on converations all the time. You notice when you have been npticed in a conversation as you are quoted or mentioned. It makes me feel like being back at school again and mostly I wonder what I want here, do I want to be popular or something. Im not sure as on one side I know it would be easy for me to not come on here so much, as its not like I am too invloved. Maybe it is an experiment.

Lastly, I have to say that I am very tired and again not in bed when i should be and maybe that is what is bringing about this more emotional side of me. Not to deny it as Im pleased in some ways! I think I am beginning to feel emotional about leaving... I think this as I am making more of a stress out of things than there need to be. I have already arranged the one charity to come and look at my stuff and then now my friend is saying her work can take it (a refugee home for young men) and well she is keen and says it will be for free. I guess I know it would be ok too, but I have already arranged it really and so just makes me feel stressed. Also my shoe zip broke today... typical as I have sent all my other footwear to Londonn! Funny of course as again I was thinking that I should not at the time that I did! I bought some more shoes today but with the insoles I have they dont fit so well and so started to stress about how I should get some other insoles anyway as they are not so good but was not sure about how to do and whether the shoes will fit anyway with them! I mean they fit, but... You can tell I am tired hey!

Anyway last thing, is that I was sad to read the email from of the organising ppl in the choir I used to sing in. I was feeling sad before as I was thinking that noone even really noticed or would mind as it was not like I was feeling very involved and so great at singing or anything. Well the email said nothing about the singing, but it just really touched me in a simple way. It just said that it was a shame that I left so suprisingly soon and that the next concerts would have been a worthy goodbye. It said that that I could always be relied upon. (I guess because I always came to the rehearsals and concerts and on time) and that whatever... anyway it was simple but made me sad as always with these times of goodbye (which I feel there are just too many of) you feel that sense of regert for what could have been in some sense. Its a cliche feeling and I know it well, but its there all the same. I guess I at least feel, well the other people in the choir could have made an effort to get to know me too and make me feel more at home there, but then I am also aware of my own responsibility... And I guess at the end I gained a lot... experience of singing, and really loved the pieces that we sung and well yes... those 2 things are enough... I did make a couple of friends from it and always made an effort to talk to people when there was an opportunity. (I didnt go out of my way, but...) so Im happy with that I guess....

Anyway, I will say bye for now... goodnight... Im still happy about returning, I really feel like going 'home', with whatever it will bring...