It takes a BIGSHOT to know the real me.

Dec 31, 2007 - 03:09 AM PST

Introduction:
I just finished writing something on here...and it was really long. It got deleted and I couldn't retrieve it, so I'm going to sit here and start ALL OVER. Life isn't always going to be perfect, so we have to learn to live with it, am I right?

Body:

My name is Amber and I'm 14 year old. I'm Filipino and I live in Yokosuka, Japan. Wherever the Military goes, it drags me along with it. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say, I'm part of a Military Family, yes your own Military BRAT! In all my years this has been my first move away from my home state. I was born somewhere in Maryland, and raised in Norfolk, Virginia. I have a lot of friends there and made a lot more here. I made some enemies as well, and got acquainted with old friends who didn't seem to like me in the beginning.

I want to talk about my life, and if you can understand where I'm coming from. It's not going to be easy. You know the saying,

"Don't judge a book bye its cover."

That saying is true in many ways because, you can't just look at my face front the front and see how I talk to people from behind. You can't just read the Prologue and Epilogue; you can't even read the back of the book to know about me. The only thing you can do is read me, so I will type things about my life, and you can read them. That's fair isn't it? Now you can start reading between the lines and see if you can comprehend my words and make them into something that you can define me with.

Let's start with how I feel right now. Picture yourself watching a movie about a popular girl and being loved and admired by everyone of her classmates or underlings, got good grades, and had a hot boyfriend. That is the kind of person I wanted to be. Now let’s go back to the past. From the beginning when I started school it was very easy for me, I was very intelligent, at least that’s what my teachers would say. They said I would be very successful... I wonder what they would say if they saw me here now. It's not really what I call a good grade average. I'm not even popular, and I have been single for 1 month, but I wouldn't say my boyfriend was hot. Anyway all I wanted was to be that one girl in the movie living a DREAM, unable to see the reality. The truth of the matter is, I let myself go once I started Middle School.

When I started Middle School, I made a lot of friends, I even made one friend at the orientation, her name was Kayla, and she was so funny. She got made fun of, but she never let that get in her way, she just laughed it off. In elementary, I used to cry when I got made fun of, because it was always about the same thing. "HAHA SHE HAS A MUSTACHE!" or "EWW SHE HAS A UNIBROW!! YUCK!" and my all time hated one, "GET THAT CHINESE GIRL AWAY FROM ME!!" I have to say I really didn't like that one because I would say, "NO I'M NOT!! I'M FILIPINO!" That wouldn't stop them. Only until the teacher cam to get me did it stop, but it didn't stop for good. It kept going up until 5th Grade, but the one person who did make fun of me, became a good friend. His name was Justin, he was a trouble maker, but he and William together were the funniest guys in class. William was my friend too, just Justin was there to stick up for me when others bullied me. I could count on him. In Middle School, I had a new nickname, they called me emo. They didn't even know what it meant, if they were smart they would have known it meant EMOTIONAL!

I really couldn't take the name calling anymore, it just made it sick. I started to cut, and cry. It took one person alone, one person who didn't even know me, to go tell someone about me cutting. Then my parents found out and I was speechless. MY dad was in Iraq at the time. My mom wanted me to go counseling, I declined the offer. She was going to pay a lot just so I would stop. That is when my friend introduced me to a book called, Chicken Soup for The Teenage Soul . It really helped me a lot back then. Her name by the way is Saleste. My friends were all worried about me. They all wanted to tell somebody, they didn't want to hurt myself. From then I stopped, I got urges to do it, but i prevailed.

All I ever want is to make my parents happy, but my mom, she isn't happy. She is always mad and depressed, and we have NO MONEY in out bank now because of me. I'm want you would call a spoiled brat. That one girl you hate in the movie that gets what she wants and if she doesn't get it, she screams yells, and does thing until she gets it. Well, I'm not like that. Since I started cutting and my grades seemed to have improved, my mom just kept buying me things because it helped me do good in school. Moving to Japan changed things a lot. I started slacking off, I didn't hand in my work, I started procrastinating, and my grades dropped. Life couldn't get any worse. That's when I started to get my negative self back, and I didn't know what to do. I have nobody to talk to here. I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes thinking of how much a disappointment I am to my parents, when all they wanted was for me to do well in school. They don't care about money; they care about me, that‘s why they spend it ON ME! What leads to this, we lose a lot of money, parents work later and later and later. Who is with me at home? My mommy, my papa? They’re at work. It's so lonely at home. I sit here wishing I had them here with me to spend time with me. I love singing with my mom, and going to the gym with my dad. I also love shopping with my mom and just going out for a walk with her. I can talk to her about things with her that I thought I would never be able to tell her. I like to watch wrestling with my papa too, we are always arguing about who is better mine or his. His may be better, but mine is always stronger and he always wins. Times back when I was little, even though they spanked me a lot then because I was bad, I would do anything to have those days back... I seriously would.

I'm not the kind of girl who likes to take crap, and if I do, I either fight back or cry. I talk to the talk, I can walk the walk, but I'm a scaredy cat. I'm not scared of the person, I'm scared of the persons parent. I wouldn't even know who I would get in trouble with. My parents always taught me to fight back, but school says don't fight back. I'm not clear on what I should do, so I automatically back down. My parents tell me to pay attention in school, I do sometimes, and when it comes to fighting, I'm clueless. I took a test to see whether I am a fighter, or if I'm some person who would get beat up, the test told me I'm a born fighter. That is kind of true. I do fight for what I truly believe in. I won't give up until I succeed. I'm good with helping people with their relationships. I'm also good at negotiating, and we can't forget confronting people. I do this all with facts. If I had no information about something, I would lose the cases completely. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty good with other people’s relationships. It's with my own relationships I can't handle.

Is it wrong to know how to fix other people’s relationship without knowing how to fix your own? I think it is and I don’t think it is. If you think about it, it’s possible only you can’t see your problem in the relationship because either you’re causing it or you fail to see it from a different point of view. Then if you think about it again, well let’s say you do a hard math problem and you got it from your friend, and even though she explained it, you still don’t understand, but you say you do. Then when the test comes you fail BIG. It’s kind of the same thing when you think critically. You say you understand, but then you don’t even though you say you do. You know, I don’t know what this has to do with me, but anyways this is over.

My life is not the worst I have seen, it isn’t even bad. There are things that can be fixed and things that can't. All this made me understand my quote that I made up by myself, you can see in on my page it's right there for your eyes to read. All the things that happened to me I know happened for a reason, and there are more bad things to come, but the only thing you can do it make it better, and forget the negative. Like I said you never know who you might meet in the process. Whether it be God, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a friend, whatever it may be, just live with it.

Do you think you understand me? Well if you do, then Kudos to you, don't tell me because I'm still figuring it out myself. I hope my quote helps you in ways that most people would fail to see.