Diary Of The Only One Lonely: Losing My Mind...

Apr 24, 2008 - 06:18 AM PST

I should have written this a couple of nights ago, when the memory and the sensation was still fresh. But I guess it won't matter, it's just one of the things that should be left alone. I need to let it out somehow.

A couple of nights ago I was feeling very low. I didn't know what triggered it. Things were just bleak. Another boring day at work. Another boring evening at home.

But I was thinking too much, of the things that made me unhappy. So that nite I went to bed feeling pressured. And I was hoping by going to sleep, everything would just go away.

But the pressure didn't subside. Instead it grows inside my chest to a raging storm.

And I couldn't contain it. So I was tossing around, breathing hard. Ugly thoughts came filled my head and I was whimpering and cursing for it to go away. I was so afraid of the thoughts and I prayed hard not to give in. I fear of giving in, for I will loose my sanity if I did so.

I couldn't wake up. I didn't dare to wake up, afraid for the ugly reality to hit me.

So I wrestled with my raging emotions, semi-conscious, all nite long.

The battle was long but it was tamed. I finally woke up to the calling of the alarm clock and I had trouble to look at myself from the mirror.

I woke up feeling battered and damaged, but then I felt lucky. I didn't loose my mind, as feared in my sleep.

But I remember feeling so afraid. Of going crazy, of losing the chance to live.

I take this incident as a sign of warning to my capacity to keep things to myself. I guess there's just not enough room for the emotions I bottled up for so many years.

So I hope I can, I could let it go, for I still fear of the storm...