List: These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Feb 20, 2008 - 00:15 AM PST

Stuff that won't fit in the "Interests" section:

Favorite Jazz Musicians Who Are Not Thelonious Monk

1. Wes Montgomery

2. Oscar Peterson

3. Miles Davis


Favorite Children's Toys Inappropriate for Children Due to Sexual Content

1. Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots: Sexually Explicit Edition

2. Garden Hose, Neighbor's Cat (combined)

3. TIE: Hungry Hungry Hippos (obvious reasons), Checkers (pieces look like nipples)


Favorite Nipples

1. Left Nipple

2. Third Nipple


Favorite Book Clubs

1. Oprah's Book Club (or "How the Stupid Met Faulkner"

2. Drew Barrymore Presents the Best of Early American Short Fiction

3. Curious George Book wherein Curious George has been Crossed Out and Replaced with a Crayon Drawing of Jorge Luis Borges-of-the-Month Club.


Favorite Right Nipple

1. Yours.


Favorite Military Blunders

1. French General Henri Navarre underestimates Vietminh commander General Vo Nguyen Giap, assuming him to be "a non-commissioned officer learning to handle regiments" prior to the Battle of Dien Bien Phu (1954). Navarre situates his forces upon ground that can be adequately supplied only by air support. Giap's supply lines are heavily defended and reliable. The Vietminh force outnumbers the French 50,000 to 7,000 and overruns Navarre's encampment of malnourished men on May 7th. The battle becomes known as "Navarre's Folly."

2. At the Battle of Bunker Hill (which actually took place on Breed's Hill, Massachusetts, 1775), Colonel William Prescott of the American Revolutionary Army incorrectly hears General Israel Putnam's famous command, "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes" as "Don't shoot until you see the whites of their thighs." Prescott is killed early in the battle while attempting to relieve a bewildered British Infantryman of his trousers.

3. Over 4,000 Union soldiers drown when General Donwallis R. Fuller momentarily mistakes his entire 3rd Regiment for a school of Skipjack Tuna and attempts to ambush approaching Confederate cavalry by hiding his men in a lake.

4.



Favorite Things to Sleep Beneath

1. Comforter

2. Duvet

3. Scarlett Johannson


Favorite Overly-Precise Things to Yell and/or Scream at a Sporting Event

1. I do not appreciate that player's performance!

2. It is my opinion that the refereeing official has arrived at an incorrect conclusion regarding that most recent sequence of on-field action!

3. I suspect that your training regimen includes performance-enhancing substances that have been banned by this particular sport's bylaws!

4. Fuck you you cheating shitbag! I will put a hex on your fucking leg!


Favorite Words that Mean "A Soft, Rustling, Whispering Noise"

1. Susurrus


Favorite Supportive Undergarments [In Ascending Order]

4. Manzier

3. Jockstrap

2. Newer Jockstrap

1. Dolph Lundgren


Favorite Literary Critic's Favorite Euphemisms for "Beer Belly"

1. Vonnegut. "If you think roasted cashews and Guinness is the breakfast of champions, you're gonna wind up with a real Vonnegut."

2. Stomachiavelli. "After rising to prominence while I was in grad school, Stomachiavelli has maintained a vice-grip on the position ever since."

3. Sylvia Plath. "I call my beer belly Sylvia Plath because it can't write worth shit either."


Favorite Means of Old-Timey Communication

1. Semaphore

2. A series of tubes

3. Pony Express

4. Steam-powered Email



Favorite Proof of Being a Komodo Dragon

1. Scaly skin

2. Saliva containing flesh-eating bacteria

3. Frequent, ritual display of genitalia



Favorite Proof of Being Tara Reid

1. Scaly Skin

2. Saliva containing flesh-eating bacteria

3. Frequent, ritual display of genitalia



What are some of your favorite things? Need some help? Here are some suggestions to get YOU started!

Favorite Bathtub Activities!
Favorite Method of Terrorism!
Favorite Beefs Jerky!
Favorite Insects!
Favorite Carrots!
Favorite States Directly North of Louisiana, South of Missouri!
Favorite Pavarotti Besides Luciano!

And

Favorite Places You and I Can Meet for Sex!

Now, try some on your own! Just remember, no one gives a shit whether or not you like Moulin Rouge, but they'll be dying to find out your favorite cumulonimbus cloud formations that look like anteaters.