Midnight Ramblings: about love and happiness

Jan 08, 2008 - 01:02 AM PST

I just realized that I'm doing it again. Sabatageing myself. I met this wonderful amazing beautiful guy from Italy and he likes me. alot. and i can't seem to muster up the courage to show an sort of affection. Why? Why? Why do I do these things to myself? Why to I put it in my mind that its over before it even begins? And the thing is... I know that I'm doing it, and I almost feel like I can't stop. I need to learn how to except a good thing when I find it, or when it finds me. He probably thinks that i've been avoiding him, which is kinda true, but its because i'm scared. will it all be worth it in the end? Out of all the relationships i've had, i've always known that they would eventually come to an end. Puppy dog love. And it didn't matter too much then, because there was always gonna be that other boy who sat behind me in my third block class who I secretly had my eye on. but things have changed. Its not the same as it was in high school. My point is that I've been noticing people my age starting to settle down, and as much as that scares me and and how much i believe i will never truly settle down, I want that. or at least find that one person to not "settle down" with me. I just can't seem to be happy letting myself feel happy, ahhh this probably roots down further to my parents.... no matter how much they deny it, they can't stand to see anyone happy because they're miserable. hhhhh..... I know it will all work out in the end, and things will eventually turn out as they should; I just hope that eventually finds me sooner rather than later.