moving onto topic 6.

Mar 26, 2008 - 14:07 PM PST

i decided to skip around because i just wanted to talk about this topic.
"i hope i never get fat"
how about we change it to "why do i fear getting fat?"

i honestly truly do have a fear of being overweight.
i dont really know where this fear started.
and im not too worried about it, it's not like i count calories every day.
i guess ever since i got into my teens everyone has always admired my physique.
i've always been pretty tall, taller than most my age and slim.
so i've always gotten compliments and i guess sometimes i felt like i needed to stay that way because that's what everyone expected. when highschool came around i began hating my body. not cuz i was fat or anything because i wasnt, but because everyone around me hated theirs, so i thought "well i have to hate mine too".

i guess my sophomore year was the worst. and my junior year a little. and still to this day i fear gaining weight. according to a BMI calculator i am underweight at 120 pounds at 5'9.
is it scary that that makes me happy? that i LIKE being told i'm UNDERweight?

i mean, ive never thrown up after eating or anything. but once i step onto the scale and it says 125, i freak out. ppl say its not noticeable that i gained weight, but i feel it. the first time that happened i didn't eat for 4 days. i stepped back on and it said 120, and at last i was happy.

our scale hasnt been workin for a while, and its starting to get on my nerves...i NEED to know how much i weigh.

i guess it's kinda mean to say that i'm happy that my friends all weigh more than i do. my best friend came home and she had gained ten pounds. from drinking and partying. she's like 5'4 and weighs almost 160. and that makes ME feel good. i feel so ridiculously guilty thinking that.

i've always wanted to try modeling, but im scared that im going to get told i'm too fat. but i understand the industry, the angencies will say "cut your hair, lose weight, wear heels" or the meaner ones will just tear you apart. "your hair is too curly, your eyebrows arent perfect, your nose is too big, your cheekbones arent high enough"
&still it makes me want to try it. i dont wanna regret not trying it. ive had so many strangers ask me if im model and countless people tell me i should model because i'm so "tall and skinny and anything looks good on me"

so i dont know what the cause of this is. but the underlying fear is still there. right now, i feel like a slob. i havent worked out in months. i was captain of the volleyball team and i swam breaststroke and freestlye for the HS swim team. and i was always doing something. so ever since i graduated i havent done anything to stay in shape. it's really bothering me.